Glad to have you on our forum.
You have to find out what works for you, it's not always the same as what works for others. Along those lines, a poly-friendly counselor could be helpful. It doesn't sound like that first counselor was poly-friendly.
At the same time, it's only the ethical thing to do to let new outside partners know that they are kind of signing up for an experiment of sorts, and that your marriage is in a state of limbo.
I'd personally recommend working on your marriage at the same time, and becoming Love-Language savvy
could be a good place to start. But, your wife has to be willing to make marital efforts too, and right now it sounds like she's reluctant to do that.
"I also don't think that I know how to love. She believes that should come naturally."
Perhaps it comes naturally in the initial NRE stages. After that, there's work involved.
That's my take on it, anyway.