I have to wonder whether or not the "primary" in this V does in fact vie her husband's girlfriend as a "thing" to be endured/tolerated and not as a person. We know that people sometimes lie (to themselves, their partners, or both) about their okness with being in a polyship. Imposing rules that interfere with the development of the relationships they aren't part of would fit that "I said I'm ok with you being poly but really I'm not and want you to be mono with me" scenario.
Yup. Could be that.
But this thread is from the POV of the secondary. So to me, that angle is about "What am I willing to sign up for here and how
so it serves my wants, needs and limits?"
Because she cannot control the wife's behavior. Only the wife
can control the wife's behavior.
She cannot control the BF's behavior. Only the BF
can control his behavior and what he will and will not tolerate as agreements with his wife.
The OP can only control herself
and what she is/is not willing to sign up for. Her BF is married. He comes as a package deal. "Is this a package I want to invest in under these conditions or not?"
She can make requests of her BF.
- Please do not make plans with me that are not clear on your other relationship's calendar.
- Please do not overburden me with drama from your other relationship.
- Please treat me in this manner (list)
She could make her own secondary rights and responsibilities agreements with him to include things like that for herself if she hadn't before to preserve her own best healths in a healthy primary-secondary model.
If the model is no longer meeting her needs, could ask if the BF if he's willing to consider changing the model shape. Then go from there based on his willingness or not.