Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Right from the start.
You are a PERSON. Not a THING. You have your own wants, needs, and limits that could be honored in polyshipping.
If you accept that your BF (her husband) comes as a "package deal" because he is married? Dating him means paying the "price of admission."
Here's the price tag in your situation so far as I understand it:
- Primaries always have the “veto power”
- Primaries dictate how and when dates are
- Primaries can call and request updates while the date is in progress
- Primaries say no sleep over’s
- Primaries have the rule that I send her thank-you e-mails every time I do have a date with her husband
Given that list of pricetag items, I have to wonder whether or not the "primary" in this V does in fact vie her husband's girlfriend as a "thing" to be endured/tolerated and not as a person. We know that people sometimes lie (to themselves, their partners, or both) about their okness with being in a polyship. Imposing rules that interfere with the development of the relationships they aren't part of would fit that "I said I'm ok with you being poly but really I'm not and want you to be mono with me" scenario. And this forum's got easy-to-find examples of unhappy monoamorists dehumanizing their polyamorous partner's other loves, thinking of metamors as The Enemy.
Obviously I don't know if that's the case here. Could it be, though?