Right so my husband and I started on other lists. Particularly lists for poly/mono relationships. Now I'm not on those lists anymore, long story. However, we saw way too often where the mono partner just stopped. It wasn't a gradual thing. They tried, they put in the effort, they really did want it to work. Then one day, they just realized it wouldn't. That they couldn't do it. So there would be a simple goodbye message. "Hey guys, can't do this anymore. Thank you for your support."
So I get it, and it's valid. Just as someone wakes up and decides poly is for them and they just can NOT wait any more to express that part of their life. I'm not arguing that you leaving is not valid.
What I'm concerned about is the lack of concern for the kids. Now you wrap it up in concern. "Oh we had a deal, it's for their education, I dont' want them exposed, blah blah blah."
I could argue with you that you don't have the right to say they can't be around your wife's lovers. Just as she doesn't have the right to say that should you marry again your new wife isn't allowed near the kids. That's so just a drop in the bucket.
Kids, smarter than you think. Pick up more than you think. I won't go into details of the messiness my parents put me through. Let me just say, I DON"T REMEMBER. I'm 37 and I have maybe three memories of my childhood. Before age 13, that's it. I've been in and out of hospitals, on medication. Did you know, that mental illness can be CREATED. It screws with the brain chemistry, these events, and there's not really a way back. Three months old, thirteen, it affects kids. Babies, of only a few weeks have been shown to not cry, even when in pain, because of already learning that to do so is to meet with dire consequences.
So yeah, the kids are probably too young, they'll forget all about this mess and this anger and frustration you have and are refusing to put a leash on. Yay for forgetting?
Hubby and I have had those talks. That should it just get to the point that we can't do it. For any reason, poly, my mental illness, whatever, we do NOT let our anger, or hate, or hurt from or for each other affect what we do with the kids. We do whats' best for them. We AGREE on what's best for them. He doesn't want to be some part time dad where he only gets weekends or visitation any more than I want to be a part time mom. But guess what, we are adults, we can handle dealing with the consequences of our decisions.
And we can be adult enough to realize as much as it hurts, as much as it's 'unfair', it's better that it hurts US, is unfair to US than to our kids.
So let go, let go of your wife if you have to, know it hurts, find a place and time to let that hurt out. THEN make decisions WITH your wife on those kids. Trust me, it might not happen until they are adults on their own but those things they will 'forget' because theya re so young, will come back, either in memory or in learning about it from a third party and saying "I did the best I could with what I had." will be of no comfort at all.
Me: Late 30s pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 19 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +4 year