Originally Posted by Magdlyn
I hear, Matt, that you felt pressured almost from the get-go, to be a part of this V. First couple years, NRE, swept off your feet, new gf could do no wrong because you were hot for her. But after that, you felt pressured to be a "nice guy" and accept Si in your lives... "in your marriage."
I even read FoL to say she's been "encouraging" you all along to get with Si sexually and romantically, to make your V into a full triad. After so many years, a few months ago, you gave this a go. Somehow when that didn't work out, you did the 180 and are now completely disgusted with Si (and your resentment of FoL has come fully to your consciousness as well).
Some people feel disgusted with a sex partner after the orgasm. This is like a post orgasmic disgust writ large and mega.
I am glad to see you write you'll try everything from A-Y to create a new dynamic with these women. However, you seem to be clinging to the divorce life raft quite firmly... the ultimate threat! You feel your true power lies in your ability to abandon both women and let the chips fall where they may for your young children. This idea of filing for divorce instead of focusing on less drastic measures gives you some comfort. It's early days, you're out for revenge. Perhaps more time and calmer negotiations will eventually ensue.
As stated before, I'm realist, and I don't like being blindsided by surprises. I'm not clinging to the divorce as a control mechanism or even a threat. It's what I will do. If none of the solutions work out, then yes, I'm still going to leave my marriage. Nobody needs to stay in a marriage or relationship where they aren't satisfied or happy. Poly minded people say, "Never try to change a person, but YOU always have the option to leave if you know you can't do it." I'm willing to try to do it, but if at any point it becomes a fact that I can't, I'm going to leave. That's that, and it's firm and within my own right. Why sit around and wait for her to ask me for a divorce? I'm the only one who didn't want to be part of a poly "family," and if I so desire, I should be the one to leave. I'm not out for revenge. I'm thinking clearly and with my head for the first time since this bullshit has started. Not from the point of a bruised ego or whatever else might be suggested in the future. I'm in control of what I do with my life. Yes, I have kids, but it's not benefiting them to see what a marriage shouldn't be like. Mother and father aren't talking, and there's a hostile silence. We can't just exist, share a house, and share expenses. That's not a marriage or any type of relationship I want to be in. I can't be the only one willing to change, and if I am, all these efforts will be in vain.