I went to Adam's therapist for the first time early last week. I'd planned on going in a few months to get some advice on communication issues that come up when Adam dates - wasn't in a hurry because I didn't have anything bothering me I could think of to talk about, but ended up grabbing an opening when I saw one. She also had an opening before Adam's appointment Friday too so I scheduled it and we carpooled up for them.
Afterwards we headed off for a couple of errands and then for our date night. It was going amazingly but got a bit tense when he brought up the idea of renegotiating something I mentioned. The issue was that he seemed to be offering to change the agreement as a favor for me, but it turned out he actually wanted the same freedom himself but found it impossible to just straight forwardly bring it up. Nothing new there but sigh...it's hammered out for now but that's just the sort of thing that is hard for me to roll with, and that counseling will help me with. The rest of the evening was very nice, things seem to be coming together for me in a way that is making it easier for me to let things go and not let them ruin an otherwise great day. We went home and watched a romantic comedy (I can only get him to watch those a couple times a year
Saturday I had a nice leisurely date with Greg, we watched a horrible movie that has my biggest girl crush in it, and had a very good time. Things really feel comfortable with him, I was going to say that its nice, but nice is an understatement. He is also the biggest flirt I've encountered since I was a teenager. Upsides and downsides to it, it does seem to fan the flames of NRE.
I'd already decided to let myself enjoy NRE for the first time in 20 years instead of keeping a tight rein on it like I usually do (not that I don't enjoy those feelings, I just usually wait 4-6 months). I'm also am enjoying being able to tell Adam what I'm feeling as things move along and see how supportive he is, in case I need any reminders down the road of how ideally I should react when HE'S going around getting all giddy next time!
Due to a lack of organization on everyone's part, I didn't end up meeting a new friend Sunday morning, but that made it possible to get a bit of extra sleep and head up to Brian's at noon. It's odd how I worry he and I don't have enough in common to spend a lot of time together even though we've had plenty of 10+ hour dates. Spent a lovely night over, still totally stunned the next day that it's been two years already. Dropped him off at work, did the happy dance that the freeway system here means I am rewarded for carpooling into downtown, though I'd preferred to cuddle the entire day away.
So I had almost the best weekend in the history of my memory. Nevertheless lately I have been suffering with guilt about my good fortune. AnnabelMore had posted a link to a blog post her girlfriend made. It had this gem of a paragraph that really struck home to help combat some of the feelings I've had lately.
"I don’t believe in cosmic justice. I find the concept, while nice to think about, even less plausible than an omnipotent, omnibenevolent magic sky wizard. I cannot balance my privilege and fortune with the needs I see in the world, i can only accept my blessings, both earned and unasked for, live as best i can, and work for a better world. So I try not to ever think about things in terms of deserving. We don’t get what we deserve, we get what we can out of what’s available. I don’t have to deserve my good fortune. I certainly don’t deserve my ill fortune."
I've been wasting time feeling bad for being lucky and loved. How ironic is that? Comparison IS the thief of joy, in both directions, and I'd only thought of that being in terms of those more fortunate, instead of recognizing that I always feel badly for those less lucky than I am - and use it as a reason to feel guilty about being so lucky.
So that was a crazy week, 2 dates with each of my 3 partners. This week I'm back to 1 date apiece with some other plans with people who are not adorable, sexy people I like other than platonically. I'm glad to see that I was able to test my limits for social time and because I'm so comfortable with the people in my life I was not stressed at all. That was my biggest worry with more than 2 partners, so I'm feeling a bit optimistic now.
I'm also feeling really loved and supported. Sniffly and shit too.