I don't want to comment on their relationship because that's up to them, but I'm frustrated about her double standards. I want to work them out with her but in the past when I have helped couples I've dated improve their relationship I've gotten dumped or hurt. What do you guys think I could say to her to make my feelings clear, while respecting their marriage and her feelings?
Could look out for YOUR well being. If past experience taught you that getting roped in got you dumped or hurt? Could not allow yourself to get sucked in to this one. Could express your frustration on the board and .... WAIT.
Could let him deal with that relationship tier in the polymath.
He's in the (Red + Jordan) thing -- you are not. If either tries to suck you in past your comfort zone -- say so. "This is sucking me in past my comfort zone. Do not do that. Respect my limit. Sort it out with each other."
You could tell Red you are willing to give him space to go sort it out with his wife. And let him deal with it.
If his wife asked him to break up with you, HE could answer her.
- Yes, I will break up with her.
- No I will not break up with her.
You don't have to get sucked into drama there. Let him own his deal.
You could not offer compromises that do not meet your OWN needs. Since you have now given a compromise with no time limit, could correct that to give a time limit then. Then you aren't left in limbo forever.
"I am willing, as a short term compromise, to not have any sleepovers for the next 3 months with Red to give you both the time and space to sort out your boundaries and agreements since sleepovers seem to be a trigger. After that time I would like to check in and know where things stand. I am willing to hear of a plan if you guys come up with one to deal with the trigger. I am willing to help create that plan or help support the plan if appropriate and reasonable for me to do. I am not willing to NEVER have overnights with my BF. This does not meet my own long term needs. Thank you for listening."
Then let them sort it out. When you get a Final Word, then you can choose your next behavior.
If Red is not free to share his time with you in a way that meets your sleepover needs, you could accept it as a limit of his because he has agreements to meet with his other partner.
- You could let go of wanting sleepovers and accept the limit.
- Or could let go of him as a BF.
If Red does not want his own time management to have to account for her wants, needs, and limits or agreements they have? He could sort out that business with her himself
since he's the one in relationship with her. Maybe he no longer wants that relationship with those limits. It is for him to discern and then to renegotiate agreements or terminate relationship.
Again... Why are YOU getting sucked into it?
You could not get sucked into it -- have it as a limit for yourself.
Do not be writing your metamour letters and getting all up in their marriage biz. That adds to your problems, not take away from your problems.
With her -- all you have to do is be generous with Red's time and encourage them to sort themselves out while respecting your own wants, needs, and limits in the meanwhile. If you wish to be free of crazy, you could not chase it down.
You could also not put Red in the middle. You could just let him determine for himself what he wants for himself and what he is willing to do or not.
In your own tier of the polymath -- where it is (you + Red)? If you need to not know about her drama -- could ask Red to not tell you about her drama then. For your own mental health needs and reduction of stress.
If your need is to be free of dealing in double standards, you could not choose to polyship in a primary-secondary format. There IS double standards in that open model configuration:
- Primary tier people get X.
- Secondary tier people get Y.
If you are now seeking a co-primaryship, talk to Red about that.
If you are still ok in a primary-secondaryship but want your Y stuff written out and honored by the primary and the meta -- ask for it written out. "I can expect ____ from you" and hold them accountable to the agreements. Stop stepping on your toes. Secondaries have rights.
If you did not consider it before, could consider it now.
If you find you could primary-secondaryship in general but NOT with this couple, could accept that personal limitation. Not compatible with them in that shape configuration.
Just my opinion.