I know all these insecurities are unfounded and she will never leave me but I want to know desperately how to come to peace with all of this. Any advice will be greatly appreciated
Sounds like she could do a better job of reassure. You could do a better job of stating your wants, needs, and limits.
Also sounds kinda rushy to me. Is she drunk on NRE and neglecting the needs of the established relationship with you?
Could you be willing to tell her? Something like...
"You are now gone on your visit, and I am left feeling lonely, sad and abandon. My needs are for connection with you are not met. (Before she left? While she's gone? When she returns? Is there a plan to tend to that need for connectiong with her?)
I need you to be aware that I would have preferred some reassure and reaffirm before you left that we are still in a CLOSED relationship. I fear you being intimate with him. I want to talk about that.
I am willing to talk more, but just you coming out to me as poly is NOT me agreeing to be in a polyship with you. This feels too fast to me.
Are you willing to provide that reassure and reaffirm that we will be talking about this when you return? I need to feel emotionally safe in my relationship with you."
I know all these insecurities are unfounded and she will never leave me but I want to know desperately how to come to peace with all of this.
"Her not leaving you" is not the same thing as "I want a monoship with her. I do not want to be with her in a polyship as one of her concurrent lovers."
This is a conflict. To be at peace, some conflict resolution must be arrived at.
- You remain closed -- but you offer her open enough to listen to her poly thoughts and feelings and crushes, while she offers you closed enough so that she's with nobody but you. You both do this with willingness, joy in your hearts, and it is a healthy configuration for both.
- You choose to Open because YOU want to open for yourself -- not for her but for YOU. You are willing to be a monoamorous person loving a polyamorous person in a polyship shape relationship as a "V arm." You both do this with willingness, joy in your hearts, and it is a healthy configuration for both.
- You choose to end the romance and be friends because you want mutually exclusive romance shapes for yourselves. You both do this with willingness, joy to still be friends in your hearts, and it is a healthy configuration for both.
- Something else I cannot think of right now.
You guys could talk and sort it out and arrive at a conclusion.