I briefly skimmed. Not full on read and clung to each every word, so if I miss something, excuse me in advance.
My wife didn't force me to do anything. Damn right about that. I have the right to do what it takes to make myself happy, and if that means divorcing my wife, then I'm going to do it. If I'm not happy, why should I stay? Everybody knows you don't stay in a marriage because of the kids. That's a bad reason.
Yes, custody disputes can get ugly. Divorces can drag on. They're a part of life. The talks of divorce are necessary. If I know that I can't live in this situation, I am going to divorce my wife and free her. I'm not going to hold her in this marriage and let both of us be miserable. We both deserve to be happy and free to be who we are. I think that's fair. Is that the first resort? No, but it's the last one and a possible reality. You can't ignore it. I hate when people act like they didn't see a divorce barreling down the tunnel. I'm forewarning my wife that if we can't find a solution that works for everybody, then I'm not going to sit around and wait for her to ask me for a divorce. I'm going to initiate it, since I'm the one who doesn't want to be a polyamorous relationship, which is what this is despite the fact that I am monogamous. That doesn't mean I'm not going to try every resort from A-Y, but Z is divorce. Accept it for what it is and move on.
I had to get away from her and this situation. The moment where our daughter sensed the space and asked what was going on was the final nail in the coffin. We can't just exist around them and share space. Time apart never hurt anybody.
When I did finally talk to my wife, it just pissed me off. At no point did she bother to ask how I was. It was all about how she's feeling and how hard of a time she's having. I know this is hard on her, but would it have killed her to take 30 seconds to ask how I was doing and to listen to what I said? I've never told a woman to shut up, but I was close. I have to limit contact with her.
It's now Tuesday afternoon. I have had a lot of time to think. No pressure from her. No arguing with her. Just me and my thoughts. In that time, I discovered a couple of my issues. Everyone seems to think that I haven't expressed myself and communicated to my wife. Wrong. When I first mentioned her girlfriend being too damn involved in our marriage, she didn't hear me out. Nothing I said was absorbed into her brain. My stance on that? If you're going to ignore me and dismiss it, I'm just not going to talk to you about it. That was the start of it going down. There's only so many times you can beat a dead horse. She has acknowledged that she didn't really hear me out because it wasn't what she wanted to hear. Baby steps, right?
I know what my issue with her girlfriend is and some of my real issues with my wife. The problem is my wife isn't willing to change anything. Here's what it is. I have new name for her: Snowflake. Snowflake's involvement in our marriage and every decision has made me feel undermined in my marriage and as a parent. She doesn't want to move? Oh, well, we have to reconsider, possibly find a new school, go through another series of applying and interviews, and stop whatever was planned because my wife thinks of her as being part of our family. The problem with this? I don't. Snowflake isn't a child or a minor, and we're not her guardians, so she has the right to do what she needs or wants to do. We're adults, and as parents, my wife and I should be the one making decisions that best suit our children. We shouldn't have to run everything by her for approval. Long-distance relationships can survive. Optimism is still there. My wife would still get to keep her relationship and marriage.
Here's the issue with my wife. She refuses to separate our marriage and her relationship. Like I've been trying to tell her, Snowflake and I aren't the same person. The relationships are different and grow at different rates. Two different relationship styles that are like mixing water and oil. Planting a flag here because this is an issue.
The best thing I've read yet is this. "Imagine asking your best mate about everything in your marriage and with rearing your children. How would your wife feel if someone she viewed as just an acquaintance or even a mutual friend had so much input and say over the life you two share?" I used the example of consulting with my best mate about our finances and whether I should buy a car without running it by my wife. Finances are something that affect the entire household, right? Well, let's say I tap into our savings and go buy a new Mercedes because my best mate gave me the go ahead. I view my best mate as a brother, so he's family to me. It's the same thing but in reverse. By her girlfriend having so much involvement and input and everything, it has caused problems. It's two people in this marriage, and like I told her, I said those vows to you. If I had wanted to include her in things that directly affect every member of our household, I would go back and amend estate papers, wills, offer to give her alimony if it didn't work out, etc. My wife would be ready to put my head on a platter if I did something like this, but it's cool for her to do. I think she needs a dose of her own medicine. Sometimes telling somebody something doesn't sink in until they see how it feels.
Another issue that has come forth from the recesses of darkness. Snowflake is a part-time co-parent and does it at her leisure. Just because she was part of doctor's appointments and there during L&D, she shouldn't have rights. Our parents were there, and they don't have rights. The kids are their grandchildren, so why should she have them again? Also, if you can't commit to doing it full time, you don't need equal parental rights or the right to interfere. You can be an "aunt" with zero input. What I'm trying to get my wife to understand is, while we value the opinions of friends, family, and loved ones, ultimately the final decisions should be made by the two of us. My wife and I are parents 24/7. It doesn't stop because we want to go get wasted with our friends. We have social lives and lives outside of the kids, but if anything happens with the kids, we're dropping whatever it is and getting there immediately. We are the ones attending recitals, various lessons, classes, taking off from work for doctor's appointments, staying up all night to monitor fevers, holding them after nightmares or scary dreams, potty training, and everything being a parent entails. We never limited her to what she could or couldn't do or how much access she had, so that's no excuse for her being a part-time "co-parent." I coin that term loosely. You have a say in everything that goes on, but you only do this like a gig with a band. I don't get to choose which days I want to be a daddy, and my wife doesn't get to choose which days she wants to be a mother. It's always going to be part of who are. Our kids are not pets and deserve more than a fleeting encounter with a supposed co-parent. Her not living with us is no excuse either. She wants all the rights with responsibilities when it suits her. That's not a parent, so yes, those rights need to be revoked. She has had years to step up and prove to be something different, and she has yet to do it. Planting another flag here because this is an issue. I don't want our kids to ever be let down because her priorities are questionable.
I'm thinking entirely different now and searching for solutions that won't make everybody miserable in the end. I can't think or function while just sitting in a room brainstorming. I need to be able to think freely. Not with my heart but with my head. My heart is on an extended leave of absence. Now, that I have started the process of doing that, I can think of things that need to be addressed in therapy and find ways of communicating them the right way to my wife. I can't force her to be receptive or make any changes, but I can try to come up with ideas and solutions that aren't unilateral. That's the best that I can do from my end.
Last edited by Matt; 03-12-2013 at 04:49 AM.