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Old 03-11-2013, 10:54 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
How is this situation appreciably different than the many people who arrive at their poly identity and come her for help. Hundreds of intro threads tell the exact same story ..had this history ...found this great guy or gal settled down ...was ok for years 10-12 yrs later ...POOF I know... the " awakening "

Its perfectly fine to wake up one day and want an open marriage or want a poly marriage or non monogamy ... it's excepted .... it's encouraged's fucking celebrated .. ...but not the opposite. Holy shit HE's unreasonable.... he's dishonest .....he's hurtful....vindictive..... for putting a full stop to that which he no longer wants. Now you have to consider the spouse and the kids.
1) You ALWAYS have to consider the spouse and kids, imo. I'm never one to say, "You have to stay married because that's what you agreed to" but he DOES have a responsibility to his kids, at the very least. For those who realize they want poly after years of mono, I say the SAME THING: go SLOWLY. Be gentle with your spouse's feelings. Take BABY STEPS. Remember that other people's lives are entwined with yours and RESPECT that. How in the hell is anything different being said in this case?!?

2) There's a difference between realizing that poly exists and is a possibility after years of mono, versus realizing after years of poly that you don't really want it at all and were just going along with it to make someone else happy. Sticking with mono because you aren't aware of other options is quite different from sticking with mono OR poly because you're trying to make someone else happy by not being honest with yourself about what you want.

3) The full stop is the problem. That wouldn't be "celebrated" in a mono-to-poly relationship either. He's making quick, unilateral, devastating decisions. Like if I woke up today and said, "Oh, sorry MC, I've spent the last month or so thinking about it and I don't want to be married to you anymore. I'm going to take the kids and move in with TGIB." Umm, NO, that would NOT be okay, or encouraged, or fucking celebrated. I'd be out of my damned mind and extremely hurtful and disrespectful to the person I chose to have kids with.

The general advice is to be patient and provide educational materials, and emotional support to the partner caught flat footed. It's their identity thats who they are except and deal. In this case it's the opposite....compromise ...His identity for her time management and being a "co" partner. He doesn't want to be a co partner . Fuck that ....that doesnt matter it's his culturally caused repressed emotions causing a knee jerk reaction.
Yeah, the general advice is to be patient and LEARN MORE. So what's the problem with applying it here?? Learn what these feelings really are, where they come from, and take TIME to figure out if they can be gotten past/dealt with. It took 12 YEARS to get here, I don't understand what's so awful about recommending 12 MONTHS to figure out where everyone wants to go from here.

Recently on 3 active threads the struggling spouse or mono partner was advised to end the relationship....if ya cant get a handle on your emotions ....if your miserable all the time end it, Chalk it up to relationship life cycle, hard limits, knowing when to say when.....incompatility. But not in a case of reverse awakening.

It just seems you cant have it both ways seems unfair.

I assume to all here thinking these thought that their transition from mono to poly was met with complete love and understanding.
It's all about how much time has been put into it, in either direction. The wife has put 12 years into her poly relationship as the hinge in a V before learning that her husband didn't want poly. I put 10 years into my relationship with my husband before I added a boyfriend, and MC knew the entire time that I was non-monogamous. If he suddenly decides one morning that he doesn't want this/me/my lifestyle then yeah, he damned well BETTER be prepared to put some time in to working through things. We may still end up split if our differences turn out to be irreconcilable, but he's not going to be able to just walk out and "decide" to remove himself from the equation. Not when he married me and decided to have kids with me knowing EXACTLY who and how I was.

Matt's wife didn't force him to be part of something he didn't want. He CHOSE to and told her he was okay with it, and funnily enough she chose to believe her spouse. So pardon me if I think slowing down before drastic actions are taken is his price to pay now.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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