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Old 03-11-2013, 09:16 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,240
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Sometimes, though, it is that it actually takes work and effort to know what it is that you really mean. MrS and I were always pretty good about being honest with each other (how we felt, what we thought, when we had a preference, etc.) but we came to an epiphany one day (about 4-5 years into our marriage) that sometimes you actually have to look at what you are asking for and determine if it is REALLY want you want - or if it is a symbol of what you want.

Our story went like this:
Every night I would ask him if he was ready to go to bed (because I was), and he would say "Just a minute, I just want to finish x." So I would wait...and wait...and fume...and wait. After I would ask him a few more times...or a good long time had elapsed...he would reluctantly head off to bed with me. At this point I would be fuming...because I had "waited" so long when I really should have been asleep already.

Eventually, the blow up happened - "Look MrS, if you don't want to go to bed then just SAY so instead of this 'just a minute' shit!" to which he replies "BUT, you keep asking, so I think that going to bed together is important to you - or you would just go to bed whenever you felt like it. And, I DO want to that, because it makes you happy...but I also want to finish this x. So I end up cutting off doing my x short so I can take you to bed and you are STILL not happy."

So, on the surface HE is "lying" with his "just a minute" routine...BUT, as we discussed the whys/wherefores a little further it turns out that I am "lying" too. It turns out that I don't actually care if we go to SLEEP at the same time - I am perfectly happy if he cuddles me for 10 minutes and then goes back to doing what he is doing. But it took a good deal of digging to actually figure that shit out.

After that, I don't ask if he is ready for bed - I ask for a "cuddle-tucking" - he gives me a firm answer on when he can take a "break" for 10-15 minutes (and if it's not for a while, I can decide whether to wait or not). Much better.

We are much better now at trying to figure out what we are actually asking for.

JaneQ

PS. There is also the case where your response to something simply DOES NOT match up with what you, in all honestly, expected your response to be. In which case I don't necessarily think you were "lying"...you were just "wrong." (We are human, it happens.) In that case, I think the sooner you acknowledge that you were wrong, the better.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-11-2013 at 09:19 PM.
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