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Old 03-11-2013, 07:34 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Let me repeat what I think I understand here written in terms of wants, needs, and limits. Maybe seeing your info broken out that way could help you in your sorting our yourself? Edit as needed. I could be reading this wrong.


BACKGROUND:
  • We are all males.
  • We are all in a triad relationship where we are all each others lovers.
  • I have a boyfriend of 5 years (Ray).
  • I have a boyfriend of 7 months (Jason).

POLYSHIP LIMITS FOR THE TRIAD

There will be no V if the triad breaks up.
  • While, I like the thought of a V with me as the hinge?
  • Ray will not participate in a V
  • Jason will not particpate in a V
  • Both have said if we aren't all together then I'd have to choose. It is a limit.

NEW WANTS EMERGING ON THE (JASON + ME) TIER:
  • Jason isn't sure if he wants to continue a lover relationship with Ray anymore.
  • I'm not exactly sure if I want to continue to be with Ray either.

MY PERSONAL WANTS
  • I want marriage and children in my future.
  • (Implied want of yours, I could be wrong here) I love them both. Whatever happens, I want it to unfold gently but firmly because I respect them have loved them both.

MY NEEDS (You do not state your needs clearly to me so I am guessing)
  • (implied) I need to be free of worry
  • (implied) I need to be in a relationship configuration where I can thrive and be happy.
  • (implied) I need to feel safe emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I am meeting this need so far by talking to my partners.

MY PERSONAL LIMITS
  • I'm not sure how to get that (marriage and kids) from a triad relationship because I feel someone is going to be left out and hurt if we try to have that in this triad. So I do not want to even go there. (implied Personal Limitation)
  • If this triad folds, I do not want another triad.

WHAT I HAVE DONE SO FAR
  • I have told both how I feel.

MORE INFO ABOUT PERSONAL LIMITS CAME UP AFTER TALK
  • At this point in time, Jason wants to marry me. Jason wants to break up with Ray.
  • At this point in time, Ray wants to marry Jason.
  • At this point in time, I want to marry Jason (but worry it is NRE talking)
  • At this point in time, I do not want to marry Ray. (I used to, but now I do not.)

The things that DO line up are me and Jason together, maybe working toward marriage.


NEEDS BIGGER THAN ME -- THE NEEDS OF MY RELATIONSHIP


Jason has a need to know. To meet his own need, he has asked me to consider what my consequent actions could be if he takes action of his own and breaks up with Ray. He is asking me... If Jason breaks up with Ray, how would this impact our relationship -- between me and Jason?
  • I don't know how to answer his question or what I would do at this point in time.
  • I'm angry and upset that he would ask me to consider what my response could be in advance.
  • I feel it's selfish of him to ask me to be responsive and consider our immediate future together after a possible action of his because _____?
  • In this tier of relationship, I prefer that Jason just do his things without consulting me and then I make my choices after him. (Is this your preference? If so, could tell him so.)

BOTTOM LINE

To me it sounds like the polyship has evolved to a place where the bottom line could be this.

Behavior: Jason wants to break up with Ray. Result? No more triad.

Polyship limit? Jason and Ray do not want to participate in a V.

You are at a life choice that is not "win or lose" but "which one sucks the least?"

You are responsible for your own behavior. YOU get to choose your behavior next. You could be assertive in making your choice.

Your options are:

A) You choose to do nothing. You break up with nobody.
You honor your want to not to have to choose anything for yourself.
Suckage Risk: Not knowing what Jason will do.
  • Jason might stay in something he does not really want to be in (triad with Ray) so he can be with you. (You really want someone you love to compromise themselves like that? Sounds like the road to growing resentments. )
  • Jason will continue on his path and break up with your too so he can honor the polyship limit of not being in a V.

B) You choose to break up with Ray.
  • You honor your own feelings of "lukewarm on Ray now."
  • You honor your feelings of "want to marry Jason" and move the relationship with Jason toward that goal.
  • You can honor you personal limit of "not being a triad" while meeting your want of "marriage and kids not in a triad." (Maybe with Jason, maybe not. You are giving yourself the chance of finding out.)
Suckage Risk: Dealing with sadness and grief of breaking up with Ray. (While painful, this is a guy you are now lukewarm on. So is this about Ray or about your feeling yucky?)

c) You choose to break up with Jason.
  • You can honor the polyship limit of not being in a V and having chosen.
  • You get to be with lukewarm Ray.
  • You don't seem to really want to do this one,... so I am coloring it grey.
  • Suckage Risk: You do not work toward your own happy. You let the man you want to marry go. You stay with a man you are lukewarm on.

d) You choose to break up with BOTH
  • You can honor the polyship limit of not being in a V and having chosen.
  • You do not have to be with lukewarm Ray.
  • You do not get to be with Jason, who you wish to marry
  • You don't seem to really want to do this one,... so I am coloring it grey.
  • Suckage Risk: You do not work toward your own happy. You let the man you want to marry go.


e) Some choice I cannot think of but you could insert here.

Could think on these available options and choose well for yourself.

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-11-2013 at 08:00 PM.
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