Right from the start.
You are a PERSON. Not a THING. You have your own wants, needs, and limits that could be honored in polyshipping.
If you accept that your BF (her husband) comes as a "package deal" because he is married? Dating him means paying the "price of admission."
Here's the price tag in your situation so far as I understand it:
- Primaries always have the “veto power”
- Primaries dictate how and when dates are
- Primaries can call and request updates while the date is in progress
- Primaries say no sleep over’s
- Primaries have the rule that I send her thank-you e-mails every time I do have a date with her husband
If he is willing to pay that price tag to get to polyship, that is his emotional/mental/spiritual health wallet.
But do you feel like paying that price from YOUR wallet to get to be with him or is he more than you can healthfully afford to pay?
If "I want my rights to matter, my wants, needs, and limits respected as a secondary" has not been your experience, perhaps the questions are more like...
"Why do I willingly sign up to participate in a polyship with a price of admission that DOES NOT meet my OWN wants, needs, and limits in polyshipping?
How is paying this price tag good for sustaining my own best healths long term -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health?"
Could reflect on that.