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Old 03-11-2013, 05:54 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Originally Posted by Matt View Post
I'm the type of person who addresses whatever it is and leaps into action right then. I'm not for the talking game and let's find a happy-go-lucky resolution
My husband has a very bad habit of doing this also. If I brought up a problem, he would just assume that means I need him to fix it. So he would "fix it" without ever discussing it with me and then get all bent out of shape because I would question his efforts. Basically he took our PARTNERSHIP and said the hell with it. It was going to be fixed his way and my opinions be dammed. After years of this, I stopped asking for his input on anything.

It's not something from childhood. It's something that started later in life. I used to be pretty selfless and went along with quite a bit. It starts with one thing. Usually my wife's non-verbal insistence. A look or whatever it is she does to suggest things without saying them out loud. "No, I don't mind that you're poly. I guess I can live with it because I love you, and loving you means accepting or learning to live with certain things." You know what that turned into? This. I guess I really couldn't live it, and this was this moment for it to come out. "I guess I don't mind if she's part of doctor's appointments, if it's that important to you." This turned into being in the delivery room, being a co-parent, and the oldest calling her mom #2, so I can't severe that relationship. I could, but it would be traumatic for her. "I guess I don't mind if she joins us on this particular vacation, if it would make you happy." See the trend? A good old fashioned psychological ploy called emotional bulldozing. You want to say no, but due to pressure or duress, you say yes.
This is not poly bulldozing, it pure and simple you being afraid to have anyone think you aren't willing to be accommodating ("Dear, if it makes you happy, then I'm happy" - Can't even tell you how those words make me ill). To most of the outside world you appear "selfless", which is utter bullshit, because deep down you are stewing in resentments and it comes out in years of passive-aggressive behavior. Only to be followed up with massive explosions and dramatic un-yeilding proclamations and resolutions that make you king of the hill instead of part of a partnership. In your mind this is justified, because you spent years as a martyr for the cause and now you want to turn the tables, because you feel you are a victim of a situation you helped create.

This too is my husband and he will also deny that his passive-aggressiveness has anything to do with his childhood, then again he likes to deny he is passive-aggressive at all, but after arguing with the therapist, he finally accepted it to some point. However, looking back at his parents, his sister and brother, I see the correlation clear as day. Having contrary opinions to his parents and showing anger was definitely frowned upon, so it all comes out in passive-aggressive ways instead. There's obviously much more that fueled it, but he gains great satisfaction, especially to those outside the family, to make it "appear" that he is easy going and selfless. All the while he is harboring years worth of resentments.

I'm trying in therapy. I don't like therapists. I'm trying to be open minded. I can't say that it's going to help this situation, but I'm giving effort. That's all I can do.
Good for you. I don't like therapist either, most of the time, but when my marriage had no other option, I was the one who finally forced the issue. "You show up (I don't care what else you have going on - cancel it), or I will file divorce papers the following day." It helped. The minute I thought we would be okay without the counselor, we crashed and burned again. It was a long process with a lot of ups and downs, but worth it.

When you have been neglecting yourself for years because it was what you thought you were "supposed" to do for the good of the family (wife, kids, marriage, etc), everything you thought you were "protecting" suffers.

Last edited by SNeacail; 03-11-2013 at 06:16 PM.
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