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Old 03-11-2013, 06:17 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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I think in part, you have it right BorinGuy. No more happy pills for me. What I am finding however is that the happy is coming from within me again and it makes me want to be alone and on my own. A scary prospect with several relationships on the go. I seem to have this "I don't care what people think and therefore am able to make myself more vulnerable as a result" thing going on lately. Its easier to be out there and authentic when I don't care what others think! I'm loving it. Its given me courage to be me and accept that I don't know anything and neither does anyone else. I am living in the moment and leaning into my emotions within that.

I did have a relapse this weekend though. We had a great time away on our family vacation but we went and visited Mono's friend before we left. She got me so many treats from her trip and was really glad to see me. I sorta felt she was trying to win me over some how and didn't know why and of course read into that, but I now think that she just likes me and wants to be my friend. Mono got nothing...

I got triggered because as we were leaving she said to him she'd see him next week and I wasn't aware of the plan they had. It brought me back to last fall when he was making plans with women behind my back. I managed to talk myself out of this trigger also and told myself that it isn't my business what his plans are and that I can trust he will tell me if something is getting romantic for him.

It took awhile for me to do this and I aim to get better than that but my new found "I don't care what people think" thing helped me through to no end. I managed to use some of the skills I taught myself last fall; grounded myself, went inward and focused on me and what I am doing. It made me able to see that it doesn't matter what anyone does or thinks. All that matters is what I do and think. It really is true, perspective is everything. Sometimes it feels like detachment. Sometimes it feels HEALTHY.

Thanks for you kind words BaggagePatrol. I am grateful to hear them. I feel like a battered warrior, but I will be okay. *hugs*
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