Maybe these aren't the right words to be describing your relationships at all right now, maybe the paradigm of hierarchy has ceased to be useful. Maybe it's getting in the way to run yourself around in circles by thinking "Well, Doug is my primary, so his needs come first, except that his needs DON'T come first because he wants monogamy and I'm not willing to give it to him, and Red is my secondary, so he's a lesser part of my life, except that he's NOT a lesser part of my life because he's actually physically here right now and is my primary source of emotional support."
Maybe just take each relationship as its own thing, assess the role you see it playing in your life now and the role you want it to play in the future, and go from there. It might not make much of a difference, but I believe that the words you use matter a lot.
I mean, you say you're mad at Jordan because she's acting like her needs come before yours, but, if she's supposed to be Red's primary and you're supposed to be his secondary, then isn't it perfectly within her rights to expect that her needs should come first when it comes to him??? Again, I think the paradigm has ceased to be useful.
Anyways, advice right, hmmm, advice. Ok, how about this.
I hope you're doing well. I'm glad that you and Red have come to a workable agreement, and I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, I hate to see you hurting.
I have to be honest, this is really hard for me. Red has become a very important person to me, and giving up things, especially overnights, is rough. That said, I know you're still working stuff out, and I wouldn't have offered this as a compromise if I didn't think it made sense. Still, I hope it can be a temporary fix, and that relaxing the boundaries can be on the table in the future, assuming you guys work things out.
I understand that it might be too soon for you to say, since you're in the midst of so much heavy stuff in terms of your marriage right now, but I just wanted to put it out there because I feel like being open and honest has been so important, and so beneficial, to our relationship.
Wishing you the best,
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.