I'm taking time away. Almost a month to myself. I'll be elsewhere, and my wife and children will be in London. I don't want to be away from my kids, but I'm in no shape to be around. It's not healthy for them to be exposed to any existing issues, so if it means taking a breather, it's what it is. If their mother and I aren't even talking, that's not good for them. I know that I have to take care of myself. Whether together or apart, we have to be strong for our children because they need us and depend on us.
NRE. Compersion. All just terms. Some would say I never experienced compersion. That overwhelming joy of her finding love and happiness with somebody else? I must have missed that boat and never looked for another chance to get on it. Blinded by love, passive aggressive, and so on? Alright. Add them to the list. Love makes you do stupid and questionable things. Love makes you accept things you wouldn't under normal circumstances. Especially at its purest and newest form.
My wife and I aren't exactly on the best of terms right now, and I'm not forcing her to talk to me. If she's hurting, I can only say I'm sorry. I don't enjoy hurting her. I don't want to see her unhappy or crying. It's not bringing me pleasure or some sick joy. I do know she's pissed off about me being gone right now. Don't tell me to take some time to myself and then get mad when I take you up on it. Who does that? I know it's Mothering Day, and I hate that my departure coincided with one of her special days. On the other hand. Why should she have to split her day up and celebrate it separately? Spend half with me and the kids and then the other half with her girlfriend and the kids? I'm pretty sure she wanted to and probably did spend a portion or all of the day with her girlfriend seeing as how she's a co-parent and second mother.
It's black and white because there's nothing else until my darling dearest wife accepts that the two relationships should have been two entirely different ones. She's not willing to accept that. Her girlfriend and I are two different people. Not one in the same. She has to accept the fact that if our marriage is something she values, she has to treat it like it's something special and unique on its own. It's like having a flawless diamond and not acknowledging its value. Do you really need the white gold or platinum band or sidestones for it to shine and stand out? Those stones enhance it, but they are not the focal point or even needed because a solitaire can standalone. I had to put it in terms that she could understand. She has to accept that our marriage can survive and thrive on its own without her other relationship being part of it. Until that is acknowledged, black and white it is.
Her girlfriend shouldn't have to be part of every thing we do or every decision that's made. Why is she part of our marriage? Should I just accept that, too? No two relationships are the same and no two relationships grow at the same rate, and what she has done is combine our marriage and her relationship. I'm surprised she didn't consult with her girlfriend before we decided to renovate our home. Then again, she probably did. She runs everything by her because she is so intertwined, involved, and enmeshed in our marriage. I might as well buy her ring, propose, and suggest that she change her last name to ours. That would probably send my wife to the moon. The relationships have always been separate in my brain.
And the custody issue? Here's why it is going to be a clash. We discussed it. We had already agreed on where our daughter would go to school. We went through the months long admissions process, interviews, tours of the school, and now, she has been accepted and slated to begin in September. We were preparing to move over the summer. Everything was set until her girlfriend recently decided, "I'm not sure if I want to move." Then, my wife's second thoughts kicked into play. Why the hell should everything have to stop because her girlfriend doesn't want to move? How is that fair to our children? Am I mad about that, too? Yes. This just came out. I remembered why everything has to stop. My wife views her as being part of this marriage and family, so we have to stop whatever was planned and possibly make new arrangements because she's an integral part of her--not us. Would it even matter if I put my foot down on this issue? Where is the compromise in this? The girlfriend could stay where she is, and then her "family" would move away. Some way I'd be the bad guy in that, too.
It wouldn't matter if she came around less. She's not around me at all right now, and what has that solved? My wife and I aren't talking. We're growing apart. She's pissed off at me.
If we can't come to some type of agreement that doesn't involve one or both being miserable, I would simply be "removing" the option for her to have to choose and making the decision to do what's best for me. I don't necessarily believe in divorce. I believe in fighting for what you want, but sometimes you have to pick your battles. She's poly. She doesn't have to give that up, and I'm not expecting her to. Isn't that what poly people are always saying? You don't put somebody in the position to have to choose or change themselves, but you always have the option to leave if it's not working for you. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. If I'm not happy, I have the right to seek happiness elsewhere and find somebody who can give me what I need. Just like she has the right to find somebody who can be what she needs.
We're still going to continue the sessions with the shrink. I'll be participating remotely. Perhaps this time away will make me rethink some things. Hey. I'm aspiring to be open minded and partially receptive.
Last edited by Matt; 03-10-2013 at 06:47 PM.