Thread: So…polyamory?
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Old 03-10-2013, 01:19 PM
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poppet poppet is offline
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 5

Thank you all for your responses. Very much appreciated.

"could you just show him your thread here?"
Yes, I did. Well, I created my post in a document a few days ago. I sent the document to him and posted it here. After he read it, he said 2 things. 1. "I am not Mark." 2. "You do not have to do anything you are not comfortable with and we can talk about anything that may come up for you."

As for rules, I am not willing to set down rules. Boundaries I can live with, but rules I cannot. For me, it is if you do not have equal input and agreement about wording, it is a rule. Teachers lay out rules for classroom behaviors. Some teachers create rules together with their students and ask for input and write out what the students say in their own words. Other teachers ask for input, then say, "OK. Why don't we make the rule "Be respectful." This later approach I find is not truly in the spirit of collaboration. I think of boundaries as negotiable limits, things that can be disputed or redrawn. It seems to allow for more flexibility and communication possibilities.

And nycindie, you are absolutely right about my decisions and his inclusion in that. Of course, I would not agree that he is a dictator or bosses me around. As for the criteria that was a discussion I started about what would be "deal breakers" for him, if I wanted to have another person in my life and living with us. I asked because of my ex's hostility towards others. And I asked because he seems to have an exact idea of what this additional person should be like. He has these romantic notions of finding the right person for me based on his conceptions. Without further clarification, I can only guess at what these things are. So, I question these things, such as his idea of "humble." (I picture Wilbur the pig from Charlotte's Web.) So I ask - What does that word mean to you because to me it sounds like you don't want competition, is that correct? It happened to not be accurate on my part, but it did lead into further discussion about his ideal partner. His idea of humble is the opposite of arrogant + a healthy dose of respect. I frequently say, "When you say ___, do you mean ___?" I ask clarifying questions about lots of things, "When you say you are going to take out the trash, what is your timeframe on that?" or "Is it mort important to do this or to finish that?" I guess this is just another area that I am asking about.

So I tentatively continue to explore the idea of another person in our relationship. I ask too many questions and have way too many discussions. I am not really in a hurry to expand this relationship, but if someone were to come along, I would like to have some of the opening questions out of the way.

His response to what boundaries he would want is he would not want to be excluded from the conversations or activities, but he did say he doesn't need to be involved in everything. Followed by, he would not want to lose our connection together. My response was that will happen, if we stop talking about stuff or begin/continue to make assumptions. Thank you for assisting me in exploring this with you.
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