I just ran this past hubby just to see if we are on the same page. Honestly that's the best part of this forum, when one of us sees a situation like this we run it past the other to see how we would react. Now I am the poly one, and this started as cheating. The person I had the affair with is not who I am with now.
This is, however, the first totally open and honest, above board, poly relationship we have had. I've been with bf over a year now, but hubby and I have been married 18 years. We both agree the phone calls, is too much. On my first EVER visit to see another man, the first time we'd be apart, hundreds of miles away, first time bf and I would have sex, a lot of firsts, a lot of anxiety. YET, I called to say I got there safe. I texted a signal we had to let hubby know we had actually had sex the first time. I was there over a week in all and there were not phone calls every day let alone every hour!
Yes, we wanted to stay connected, and we did with a few calls, and yes a private pic while apart. We made sure to spend time decompressing when we saw each other again and reconnect, but neither of us felt like we needed constant contact apart! Not that bf would have minded, he often asked if I wanted to call, and when the trip was extended for emergency reasons, helped set up skype so I could see my kids.
I dislike the idea that the primary relationship automatically has the rules in place and you deal. I know many people feel this way and that's why there seems to be a bit of a prejudice against married couples seen.
Hubby and I have certain boundaries we discuss yes. That's for OUR relationship. The boundaries bf and I discuss are for OUR relationship. When there is overlap, we all discuss it and work it out. Sometimes not to everyone's satisfaction but in those cases we typically put a time line on it. "Let's do this so no one is pushed too far on personal comfort and discuss it again in X months okay?"
Me: Late 30s pansexual poly. DH: My husband of 17 yrs and father of children. DC: LDR of +2 year