The problem is I have no doubts. Realistically, I know I'm not going to be fully satisfied unless she's completely out of the picture. That's reality. No matter how many ways I'm given to "live" with it. Ranging from not hearing anything about her, transition her out of making family decisions (no interruptions from my wife like, "Well, Snowflake said,"), demoting her to a secondary, being cordial, cutting her out of our kids' lives, and so on. That's the root of it. For so long, I've accepted her and hidden the fact that under any other circumstances, there's no way in hell I would still be around. Unfortunately, she is still going to be around, so why not face facts and realize that this has to come to a head? The problem is I have BEEN living with it, and my resentment of it is why we're going through all of this. Should I have just walked away after she told me she was poly? It wouldn't change anything now.
Everything listed has a downside. If I don't hear anything about her, that means I'll be excluded from anything that involves them both and won't understand something that's important to my wife. Not involving her in family decisions? Well, that's like saying her opinion doesn't mean anything. It means something to my wife. Demoting her? That's like divorcing and going back to dating or going from working 40 hours a week to 15 or on a PRN basis." Being cordial? For what? Cutting her out of our kids lives? It would be "traumatic" to the oldest and painful for her because she's so attached and involved.
How long can we really live like this? She's not allowed in our home. Our kids haven't seen her over the past few days. She doesn't exist to me. My wife's caught in the middle and likely being hurt by our actions. Where's the positive in any of that?
My wife loves her, and she wants her in her world and part of her life. Cool. Do you. I have to decide if I want to stay in this situation. No one else can decide that but me. I deserve to be happy, and if it's not making me happy, I have the right to leave. I'm not willing to run the risk of my wife resenting me for having to end her relationship with her. If she must resent me, let it be because of our marriage ending or because I'm fighting for custody. She doesn't have to do anything to appease the likes of me or change her lifestyle. Her right to live how she sees fit. Aside from that, there's negative things that could come from that relationship ending. 1) She will resent me and be in mourning over the loss of love. 2) She knows I'm here for her now, but it's likely that she won't feel comfortable expressing certain feelings are thoughts as they are a trigger for me. Who wants to be shut out and left in the dark? 3) Before we get closer, we'll probably drift even further apart. Before you know it, three relationships are in shambles and kids are in the middle.
I have already listed the pro's and con's of each side. I didn't get to this point with no thought being put into it. That's not to say I'm not trying in therapy or willing to fight to save my marriage. At some point, the fighting has to end because it reaches a point where it's toxic for everybody involved.
Last edited by Matt; 03-09-2013 at 05:51 PM.