I think that I have found the most wonderful person to create a life with. I have never been shy about having multiple partners and laid my cards on the table with him. I believe that I can love many people at the same time. I believe marriage is a hold out for property and reproductive rights. I believe sex does not always equal intimacy, but intimacy can be a part of sex. To my delight, he said that he feels the same way about love, relationships, and sex.
He is 12 years my senior. He is approaching his 54th birthday (which I don't think of as all *that* old) and has a keen interest in finding me “another boyfriend.” His criteria for this bf: employed, humble, cute, attentive, and no drugs/alcohol/smoking. His concerns are in the immediate future, I will be provided with additional sex partner for when he is unable to perform (his words). He also wants to make certain that I will have someone to care for me in his absence due to ED, dementia, aging, death…
I have only one problem with this and that is I am no longer interested in a FWB or sexual relationship with out intimacy, love, or trust. I have explained that I am not satisfied with just an orgasm and that connections are more important to me. Because of this, I am very happy with our relationship, even if he is not able to have sex every day. I told him that although it is important to have sex, it is not the only thing that I enjoy about our relationship.
What I have not told him is my very confusing feelings from my previous relationship still exist. My ex and I discussed open relationship, polyamory, and FWB. After a few years, we decided to include others in our relationship. His idea of an open relationship was his rules, without much discussion. One of the rules was if I had sex with someone else, I had to have sex with him to keep things in balance. He didn’t want me to have sex with anyone at our house, in our bed, etc. And I could not talk about any complicated feelings that may have come up. Eventually, he discovered that he was not interested in an open relationship, but he was interested in cuckolding. This sorta explained all the rules, but didn’t help me much with the emotions. And I had a few relationships that were primarily sexual encounters with others that I then described in detail with my ex. When I became attached or felt anything more than lust for the other person, my ex would be confrontational with my other partner and they would (eventually) leave.
I have explained some of this to my current partner and I think he understands, having met my ex. And I do appreciate that he wants to find more support and open our relationship up to others. I get a little anxious when he describes the additional person in terms of how he could be included in sexual activities. I mentioned that I don’t think I am capable of having sex, without being attached and in a loving relationship with anyone. He is accepting of this and said that’s okay.
So, great, what’s the problem, right?
The problem is me. I worry about the arguments and/or endings that I experienced with my ex. I want to include another partner in all aspects of my life and not having restrictions/rules. Too soon to include someone else? Cold feet?
Suggestions on next steps welcome.