Originally Posted by ferenc
After years of discussion we've finally taken the plunge into poly. My wife has fallen deeply in love with another man, and Iím pretty ok with that so long as my relationship needs are being fulfilled (they kinda' are but being in NRE my wife still sometimes/at times often thinks about him when she's with me, and is not 'present' which I resent but thatís another issue which we're talking through)
Whatís really bugging me right now is that somehow I feel less of a man because my wife feels the need for another, which is crazy as I know I canít be everything for anyone.
And hereís the really unfair bit Ė it would be super-cool for me to have another woman, but Iím embarrassed to admit my wife has a lover. WTF?
Is it ego, insecurity, cultural conditioning? What is going on here?
I would have to say it's all of the above.... and grief. What, grief, when no one has died? On that front I have to agree. No one has died but sometimes the hardest thing to let go of is an idea. And while you, intellectually are ok with an open poly marriage, the heart is not always quick to let go of the status quo. So while you may still be married to your wife, the marriage as you knew it is dead. It is evolving into something new. It is no longer the "you and only you forever" that you signed up for. So, be gentle on yourself and your wife. What you are feeling is normal. And I'm sure that as long as you proceed being mindful, open, and completely honest you will be just fine. And you will both grow with new insights and beliefs. :-)