Originally Posted by MeeraReed
Yeah, that thread is making me sad too. I think I have to stop reading it.
I'm really enjoying your blog, by the way. I'm very inspired by the way you process your emotions (i.e. releasing anger by yourself, in a way that would look like a crazy person to observers, which allows you to feel it and move past it).
I actually hesitated to post any of that here. There's an urge in me sometimes to just talk about the good stuff and downplay anything negative. I try always to ignore that urge... I mean, if I can't be honest here, where can I be honest? It's more of a struggle in my real life.
I've chosen not to make theater my career, but I did study it for a good while, and I still perform from time to time. As such, I feel like I'm a decently good actor. Combine that with not being prone to speaking before I think, and the end result is that if I want to act like I'm not upset about something, it's almost never a problem to do so.
On the one hand, that leads to really good things, like being able to not cause drama in the club and instead walk away and work shit out for myself. I agree, that was the right way to handle that, and it's really nice to know you found inspiration in it.
If I hadn't been able to find some way to get past what I was feeling in the moment, which I knew objectively was unfair anyway, I couldn't have gone on to have the amazing experience that I did with Gia and Dex.
There's a way in which the idea of causing drama is seductive. If I just blew up, everyone would see how strong I'd been up until then, Eric would know how strongly I feel about him, my feelings would be front and center and everyone would care.
Yeah right. If there are things that I would benefit from talking about, I can talk about them rationally, in a way that doesn't hide my feelings but doesn't make anyone feel terrible and doesn't ultimately drive them away from me. Everyone DOES care. Seeing me act foolish will NOT magically make Eric love me. Get outta here, fleeting and perverse occasional desire to raise hell.
Of course, the dark side of having fairly good control over your reactions is that it's completely possible to wait way, way too long to say something, and/or to downplay the intensity of your feelings when you do get around to talking about them. The thread that we've both been referencing is a prime example of why not to do that. I try to keep an eye on myself and do that as little as I can manage, especially knowing, as I mentioned above, that I like to focus on the positive and tend sometimes to downplay/dismiss the negative. Blogging here helps keep me honest with myself, so to speak.