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Old 03-09-2013, 02:57 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Matt, thanks for your response. It's undeniably good -- vital to one's mental health, even -- to recognize and own your feelings. Congrats on that, it sounds like it was a very long time coming, and it absolutely had to come. I'm sure the process of continuing to work things out in therapy will be very useful.

What I can't help but see, though, is that to own your feelings is one thing, to uncover them for the first time and then immediately set hard-line new policies for your life based on them, policies that are going to rip apart the life of someone who until recently had been a friend and lover, and could also drive a serious wedge between you and your wife (surely she's going to end up with some resentment over the lack of even trying to compromise, and to hear you talk about being willing to consider moving out is very surprising) is another. It must've been one hell of an argument. Or perhaps, as others have suggested, the guilt really is lingering and clouding things... do you think there's any chance things would have gone to quite this extreme if you and Si had never slept together? Or maybe it really is just the nesting impulse manifesting in a particularly intense and territorial way.

Either way, maybe you could ask your therapist for help in developing methods to constructively express and address your feelings before they get to this point in the future. One bad argument, which you are very aware was in the heat of a particularly bad moment (no one is at their best during an unexpected breakup) doesn't need to mean that no middle ground is possible... unless perhaps you've decided that you'd prefer it to mean that because interpreting it like that is a way to get what you want (a justification for Si's complete absence).

Of course you shouldn't grin and bear it, roll over and take it, or be passive aggressive. In fact, since no one has remotely suggested any of that as far as I can tell, it makes me wonder where that is coming from... was this something you were taught as a kid? There are options that lie between being passive aggressive and being aggressive, between burying your feelings and laying them down as the new unbreakable law, between ending a relationship that isn't working and never seeing the other person again. If not for this situation, then for future interpersonal conflicts, the ability to see and consider those alternatives could be really useful.

It looks like the hard line is continuing to advance forward:
"I'm not stopping her from seeing the kids."
"He does not want her around our kids no matter what."

I'm forced to wonder if maybe this thread isn't part of the problem. Some people respond very poorly and strengthen their walls when they feel ganged up on. Do you guys think it's possible that being on the forum might just be exacerbating things? Just a thought, as with all of this I could be completely wrong.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 03-09-2013 at 03:03 PM.
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