Originally Posted by GalaGirl
The elephant will break down. They always do. It just may or may not be in the way you wish. Sigh.
- Conflict ---> positive outcomes, new understanding, and reaffirming bonds.
- Conflict ---> breaking bonds
Everyone seems to be owning parts of the puzzle.
That is small progress. How about backing off a bit and respecting LIMITS now?
Husband is angry and wanting not see her. So... don't. Just chill for a while and do normal life things rather than this.
Wife is feeling stuck in the middle and emotional flooding sometimes. So... step away from the triggers. Too hot to handle. See counselor. Chill also.
Not sure how GF is since she's not speaking here but... her taking a time out to chill, rest, and gather self better together -- that couldn't hurt.
Regroup in a month to determine the next step toward goal. What IS goal?
I do not know if anything here could help.
Are you in Poly Hell
But if Matt has to be "like she does not exist" long term and not just in the "heat of the moment" period? Nothing changed. It's just known rather than hidden resentment/dislike. Best to take the bull by the horns.
- Husband is monoamorous and wants to be in a monogamous marriage. Is not willing to be in polyship with wife and GF.
- Wife is willing to be in polyship.
- GF is willing to be in polyship.
The polyship must land then. Safely, sanely, and respectfully because no compromise can be reached because this is now a basic compatability issue. The mission is over. People who want to continue on a new journey together -- go make a new relationship together. But this old configuration one? It is grounded.
How you sort out children custody/visitation is a related but separate issue.
It's no longer "HOW do we want to be together after triad and back into a V?" but "We have to acccept we do not work like this and there's no happy medium to be found though we have tried. How do we land the polyship then?"
Do not linger flying wonky polyship just to increase the growing resentments now in THREE crew members rather than one person. That's not making things fair, equal and HEALTHY to go on with behaviors that cause ALL people in the polyship suffering. You have plenty as it is right now.
I am sorry you are all going through this.
No need to be sorry. I'm not. Nothing is healthy. Nothing is equal. Nothing in life is fair. You can't do anything about that.
His feelings aren't going to change. I know what I'm up against. Matt doesn't hold grudges, but once his mind is made up, there's no changing it. He's clear, and I've heard him. I have to respect it and his wishes.
Children and custody? If it reaches that point, it's not going to be peaceful or amicable. He does not want her around our kids no matter what. It has been discussed, which is how I know what to expect: a full on custody battle. Nobody wants it to go there. We discuss the best outcomes of things and the worst outcomes. The worst being a custody battle and our kids possibly being split up. It's not unusual. Last summer, the father had visitation rights. After the trial, my sister ended up with custody of two out of three. The father has physical and sole custody of the daughter. I don't know how a judge could separate siblings, but he did. It's going back to court again. I don't want that to be me. Running up and down court steps, racking up insane fees with a lawyer, and not agreeing on anything? I'm not doing it.
We're taking time away from this. I try face problems head on, so putting it on a back burner is hard for me. It feels like running away from it which doesn't solve anything. I need normalcy, and tomorrow is where that phase begins. I just want to wake up and fix breakfast with my daughter, attend mommy and me yoga with our oldest, fix them lunch, watch Disney movies, and have a quiet day with nothing about this popping up. I'm demanding it. Not asking for it.