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Old 03-09-2013, 02:31 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,487

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Our marriage does come first, and it's never been a secret to anybody, so no double crossing was going on. As said a few pages back, I'm one of those people that believes a marriage has to come before your children, so before another person that I didn't give birth to? Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Children are on loan to you. When they leave home, what do you have to talk about? The way it used to be? I can't ignore my marriages needs because we have children. I've been around people whose lives revolve around their children, and guess what? They have nothing outside of that. There will come a point when our kids don't need us and become independent young adults. If our marriage is weak and has cracks, how are we supposed to be a good example for them? It's not about the almighty M/F marriage. Sorry but my marriage is not just some random commitment. If that was the case, I would've never said I or do. That's not to say I don't value my commitment to Si. I do, but my marriage has clearly suffered.

I don't have much to add to the rest of the conversation - others have covered the questions/concerns/confusion that I would have expressed. However, I did want to say that I see where you are coming from in regards to the section of your post that I quoted. In my "Journey" blog here I wrote some about the differing "models" of marriage that MrS and I had seen prior to forming our own. While I don't agree, necessarily, that the marriage comes BEFORE the children - the idea that a healthy marriage is vital to a happy family is familiar.

My parents were the type that you are alluding too - they were so wrapped up in their roles as parents (which they were completely awesome at, for the record) that they neglected to be "spouses" to each other anymore. Luckily, after we all left the house, they were able to re-discover how to be spouses (when, for a bit, it looked like they had nothing left in common and were headed for divorce).

When children were still on the table for us, MrS had an ongoing conversation as to what that would mean for our dynamic. We agreed that that, once you have kids, for the immediate-small-child-time that THAT would be a priority, but not the ONLY priority. So the chain of priority would look like:

1.) child NEEDS (physical/mental safety, healthy food, stimulation for appropriate development)
2.) a.) relationship NEEDS (intimacy, communication, quality time)
b.) personal NEEDS (necessary to support relationship NEEDS - time alone, recognition of individualness (i.e. we are not just the roles that we assume) etc.)
3.) child IMPORTANT WANTS (facilitating desire to explore talents/skills/interests - sports/music/education)
4.) a.) relationship IMPORTANT WANTS (time to reconnect, time away from child, etc.)
b.) personal IMPORTANT WANTS (time/money to pursue own interests/hobbies/education)
5.) child preferences (own room, new bike)
6.) a.) relationship preferences ("get-away" weekend)
b.) personal preferences (new TV/new motorcycle, Guys-night-out, etc)

In our model - child's NEEDS come first but child's "preferences" don't trump relationship/personal NEEDS. (NOTE: others may assign certain things to different levels of needs/wants/preferences - that is not the point). The child did not ASK to be born - adults decided this. Children canNOT provide these things for themselves, the adults are responsible for these things until the child is old enough to express/seek these things on their own.

(AND, of course, I may be full of kids, no idea as to whether we would have turned out to be GOOD at any of this...)

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married (to TT) female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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