The elephant will break down. They always do. It just may or may not be in the way you wish. Sigh.
- Conflict ---> positive outcomes, new understanding, and reaffirming bonds.
- Conflict ---> breaking bonds
Everyone seems to be owning parts of the puzzle.
That is small progress. How about backing off a bit and respecting LIMITS now?
Husband is angry and wanting not to see her more than need be. So... don't. Just chill for a while and do normal life things rather than this. Wife is feeling stuck in the middle and emotional flooding sometimes. So... step away from the triggers. Too hot to handle. See counselor. Chill also. Not sure how GF is since she's not speaking here but... her taking a "time out" to chill, rest, and gather self better together -- that couldn't hurt.
Maybe regroup in a month to determine the next step could be.
I do not know if anything here could help:
Are you in Poly Hell
But if Matt has to be "like she does not exist" long term and not just in the "heat of the moment" period? Nothing changed. It's just known rather than hidden resentment/dislike. If no amount of trying arrives at coming to compromise in a good way with all parties willing?
Best to take the bull by the horns:
- Husband is monoamorous and wants to be in a monogamous marriage. Is not willing to be in polyship with wife and GF.
- Wife is willing to be in polyship.
- GF is willing to be in polyship.
The polyship must land then. Safely, sanely, and respectfully because no compromise can be reached because this is now a basic compatability issue. The mission is over. People who want to continue on a new journey together -- begin a new mission together. But this old mission one? It is grounded.
How you sort out children custody/visitation is a related but separate issue.
It's no longer "HOW do we want to be together after triad and back into a V?" but "We have to acccept we do not work like this and there's no happy medium to be found though we have tried. How do we land the polyship then?"
Do not linger flying wonky polyship just to increase the growing resentments now in THREE crew members rather than one person. That's not making things fair, equal and HEALTHY to go on with behaviors that cause ALL people in the polyship suffering. You have plenty as it is right now.
I am sorry you are all going through this.