I have been slammed at work and haven't had much time to respond, but I've been reading responses. It's great to hear from people who have been there!
We finally got to have a really long discussion about everything. She has been basically alone in a new town for the past 2 years while her husband goes to law school. She's incredibly lonely, and while I've been totally immersed in a new job, new close friendships, etc. She definitely sees this as me replacing her. She also felt very slighted that I had kept this a secret from her for so long....she's the friend I tell everything to. Also, she felt like I was telling her now instead of before so that I could avoid her input. I assured her that NONE of that was true, I apologized for making her feel this way and not being more in tune with her needs while my life was so crazy.
But when it comes down to it, she tells me she doesn't want to talk about MD. At all. She says that she thinks I'm making a terrible mistake that is risking everything. She doesn't understand why I can't wait until my children are out of the house. Basically she sees only disaster ensuing from the whole situation, and she doesn't want to hear me complaining about drama because she thinks "Of course there's drama, it's inevitable with this". I told her I would honor her request, but that it puts a weird distance between us that has never been there before. She agreed and said maybe we're just growing apart
So there it is. I've talked to her a few times on the phone about other things, although she ocassionally brings up a "poly-horror-story" that she's heard. I just put up with listening and hope she'll come out of it soon.