I feel your frustration, and I'm sure it's a common theme amongst secondaries, but the bottom line is the primary relationship determines most of the ground rules, and it's up to you whether to accept them, negotiate new ones, or leave the relationship.
It sounds like you've done quite a bit of assuming and not much actual discussion with the primaries about things. Have you actually asked Bob if he would consider occassionally doing these types of visits you're interested in? It's OK to ask from time to time. Sometimes the "rules" change.
The thing about the constant phoning is a little overboard perhaps, but if that's what they've worked out in order to do this type of relationship, that's their thing. I wouldn't push that issue. Ann may be dealing with some insecurities, but that's their thing. Let them deal with that. If any of that kind of stuff becomes too much for you, voice your feelings, but don't expect they're going to change their rules to accomodate you. If the rigidity becomes more than willing to tolerate, then you'll have to consider leaving for a more flexible arrangement.
Hang in there.