I have a few things to write about but little time these days... or desire. One is about poly people being like musicians and sex between people being anything from a jam session to a well rehearsed symphony. The differences in poly people is as vast as there are types of music.
The other is about recent thoughts on heirarchy and how it is possible to own the word and associated words such as primary and secondary without the negative connotations associated with it.
I've been thinking also of following Derby's lead and creating my "me manual." A list of things about me that would aid a new relationship or even remind and inform an old one.
There isn't much to note right now other than lots of settling and readjusting. I'm finding myself thinking about Mono's possibly dating and have noted the shift in how I feel about him and our relationship. Its not necessarily negative or less than what I thought before but I am seperate from him in a way I wasn't before. I seem to of drifted. I try not to think about it and find in some moments that I am quite happy getting out of our relationship what I will. Often I simply exist with him. That feeling of a magic connection gone. I am glad we had that for a long time. I'm fine still and I am happy but I have my moments of missing it and anger with him that he took it away. He says I took it from him long ago and he has been wondering why he is with me ever since. That also makes me feel sad and ashamed of my nature. He doesn't put it on me. I do that. I am just hard on myself sometimes because of it.
I think that this winter has been about depression as a result. I am struggling to connect with anyone and finding I don't care. Introspection can do that I suppose. It also comes from a state of feeling that I would be better off hybernating than connecting. I have noticed that in not caring what people think of me or not caring if I am liked that quite often I am able to rise above that and feel the freedom of being vulnerable and on my own without care. Its a feeling that has manifested in much self love and coziness with myself but it doesn't last as I feel very disconnected that way.
Spring plans abound for the garden this year. We've had the arborist in and the men have dug up a new plot for veggies. The compost is turned and ready to go we just need some sea wees and horse manure to dig in and let that decompose. I'm very excited.
This weekend we are going to a local ski hill to relax as a family. We thought of inviting Brad and his family but the place is small and even though they might have only one kid, we thought it might be too much. A family vacation sounds about perfect to me anyway.
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