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Old 03-08-2013, 05:26 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,535

We put others before ourselves and run the risk of putting our happiness second. It's the downfall. You can lose sight of yourself in the process, and I think that's what happened.
I am glad you recognize that as a potential downfall.

Putting my feelings and happiness before his own lead to resentment. Every so often, we need to stop and remember this: "My happiness is an extension of your happiness, and if you're not happy, then there's no way I can be fully happy."
I'm not sure you get that it takes two to tango if you are leading interdependent lives in this relationship model you share.

There is also "If I am neglecting my own wants, needs and limits, I am hurting not just me but also my partner and our relationship. I'm not holding up my end of the sticks when I neglect my well being. Others count on me being healthy."

Was he broadcasting the message and you overlooked it because you put you first? That is one thing.

Did he withhold info and expect you to mind reader? That's another thing.

To me it sounds like he put his "not wanting to make waves"" ahead of his own overall well being -- to have his own wants, needs, and limits broadcast and request they be honored.

It built up resentments because things were going unmet too long and he blew. Neglected own need to articulate, steam valve along the way appropriately for his own well being, and now there is explodey all over everyone.
  • He could be responsible for knowing and stating his wants, needs, and limits.
  • If you haven't heard about them in a while, you could exercise your right to clear communication and ASK HIM to disclose.
  • Given that the right to clear communication is granted in your relationship agreements.
  • Given that the responsibility to know and state your own wants, needs and limits is indeed held as a responsibility to the overall relationship.

Not assumed. GIVEN. So you can hold each other accountable to each other and to the interdependent relationship's health and well being.

If that is the model you want to cultivate, cultivate it then. All the way across.

Not you taking on board all the elephant yourself from hinge guilt. Everyone could owns a piece of the elephant and situation making. Y'all are still recovering from the initial kablooey -- so take it hour by hour. People are human, things happen, hopefully people can learn.

But lift that up -- "if we are going to aim for an interdependent model here, then we have to really play interdependently then."

Or choose to change the model going forward... maybe a "free agent V" rather than an "interdependent V" -- maybe something else. Talk it out. One thing at a time. You will get there.

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