Here's some history and maybe someone can help me sort this out:
I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years with Bob -who is married and poly...
Ann- His wife of 25 years -has been in a relationship with Fred for close to 5 years.
Fred and I live in the same city over 400 miles from Bob and Ann, but we do not know each other or hang out when we aren’t with Bob and Ann.
Ann and I text, e-mail and get together for drinks when she is in town to visit with Fred, I wouldn’t call us friends but we are friendly. I live very independent life and have a very demanding career. So I'm fine not seeing Bob all that often - every month or so when he is in town on business.
Ann comes to town once a month for a few days at a time to stay with Fred and Bob comes to town every 6-8 weeks (most times it’s allot longer between trips), when he has business and then its only for 1 night.
Everything was working just fine until recently....
So here are my issues:
Bob was in town and began talking about how Ann and Fred seem to have grown apart and their relationship doesn’t have the "Spark" it once did. This to me is normal for all relationships but not the point of this story. Hello when you’re laying in your lovers arms in the afterglow of sex and he's talking about his wife’s partner and how that relationship isn’t going well. .... Is it just me that thinks there is better time this should have been brought up? I fully understand that he is married to her and I really don’t want any more of a relationship than what we have but for some reason it just didn’t sit well with me.
Other issues I have are: When we’re together he has to call her when he arrives in town, which I get. Then he has to call her before we go out for dinner and when we return from dinner and give her updates of what we are doing. It drives me crazy. Sometime she will call him every hour or so just to check in ....I have spoken to her about it and that I feel it is disrespectful to my time with him, but she says it helps them stay connected while they are apart and I have to get used to it. Is this normal in poly relationships? She says it is....
I do go to the town that they live in for work about every 3 months for a few days but Bob is not permitted to see me while I am in town. At first it was because they had child that was living at home, ok I get that, but the child now live 500miles away going to college. And Bob is still not “permitted” to spend time with me while I am there, not even get together for a coffee.
Next issue: Bob is going on a business trip to a local community about an hour from where I live. I would like to see him but I would have to take some time off work and travel to a very remote community, he would be working all day and then a dinner with the client that evening which I couldn’t attend so not really time together other than after 9pm and I would have to be on the float plane back home at 7am the next day, so really why go. I was hoping he would want to spend an extra day here and we could spend a day together just relaxing and enjoying the spring weather. But it doesn’t sound like something that is even crossed his mind. I would bring it up but I feel like I would be begging for a little much needed time with him, and I know it would cause difficulties for him when he got back home.
So what do I do? Do I continue this relationship the way it is because this is what poly relationship are or is it that I am with a selfish man who only wants things his way and the demands of his wife because she is the “Primary” and makes the rules.