Hi, all you lovely people!
I am really struggling, and it's not something I expected at all.
When Moonlight and I first got together seriously, she requested that I not sleep/have romantic relationships with anyone but her and Fly. At the time, I readily agreed. There really wasn't anyone in my life that I wanted to pursue, and Punk and I had fizzled out. On top of that, I felt that my polyness was not particularly important to me, that it had arisen from my relationship with Fly, and that I could easily be monogamous again if it seemed appropriate.
However, over the last several weeks, I've been chafing under my self-imposed "biogamy," as Fly and I call it.
I've been short and irritable with Moonlight, less interested in sex with her, and feeling trapped and suffocated by her love. She constantly talks about me moving in with her, says that Fly will "deal with it" if I did, and says things like "there's no greater love than ours." It makes me feel like the walls are caving in around me.
I didn't really know why I felt like that until my coffee date with Punk. It was so incredibly nice to see him, but I felt so awkward. I was unsure if I could kiss him hello, or cuddle next to him in the booth, or what was appropriate or inappropriate behavior. Instead of freely being myself, I was constrained by the social expectations of a monogamous person. Even though he and I are just good FWB, I have a level of love and affection for him that, for the first time, made me feel guilty.
I'm beginning to think that my polyness is less a lifestyle choice, and more about who I am as a person and what I want for my life. And the more I contemplate that, the more I know that I need to talk to Moonlight, and tell her that I can't do the closed poly anymore. I hate that it's going to hurt her, and I know it may well be a deal breaker for her. I love her so much and I don't want to lose her, but I'm starting to feel resentful and I know she's picking up on it.
I need her to fully realize that I can't be everything she wants in a partner, and that isn't going to change. She relies on me for all her needs, and I absolutely know that I'm not meeting them, and I'm not willing to do what she wants to meet them (commit to her solely, move in with her, possibly get married, have babies). Additionally, I have to live in such a way that I feel happy and fulfilled, and I have very little joy to offer her when I'm so stifled and squashed. I want to have the autonomy to choose who I love and how I relate to them, and I don't think I'm a very kind partner when I don't have that.
So...I'm not sure how this is going to go. I could be losing a partner who means so much to me, for whom I have so much love. It's super scary. I think I'll probably be talking to her this weekend, so we shall see how it all goes down.
Wish me luck and think happy thoughts!