My goodness! That's a lot!
I have left, and again she is begging me to go back. Again she is telling me how much she loves me. Why, what for?
And your answer could be something like...
"That's appreciated -- thank you. I am glad you love me. I love you too. But it is time to accept that the romance here is over so we no longer share consummate love. This is a companionate love -- friend love now.
I am better in the role of "close family friend" or "uncle" or "godfather" for the children, you and Alex. Those I am willing to be still if you allow me. (Only say that bit if you really are willing.)
But I am not returning to this polyship as "husband." I need a divorce because I cannot see a romantic future for us where my wants, needs, and limits are met. When I think of a fresh romance start somewhere new, without you in the role of my wife, I feel like a weight will be lifted from my shoulders, and I get a huge sense of relief. I need to be free to pursue that romantic happiness elsewhere. My wants, needs, and limits for romance are not met here. Let's accept it.
You are planning to have a child by Alex again, so this husband role ought to be his. He is the father. He ought to be the recognize legal spouse with the kids on his insurance, taxes, etc. Give him and you the opportunity to enjoy consummate love in a recognized legal marriage with the benefits a legal marriage can bring you and the children. That's nothing to sneeze at.
Let's talk honestly and align ourselves to the roles we actually play here rather than carry on all awry like this.
The grandparents are already upset, it's causing me pain, it cannot be good for the kids to see the adults in their world all a twitter. Let's correct this now while they are young, can adapt more easily, and give ALL of us a chance to find the new happy medium shape here for this family where ALL can exist harmoniously and ALL people's wants, needs, and limits are being honored."
Could that help?
You got this far by sweeping stuff under the rug so long it's like a huge elephant now. Break it down, sort it out, and clean house. Start anew as you intend to proceed from here on out.
Because it is not just you adults in here any more. There are children watching your every move. What do you want to model for them in relationshipping?
- Honesty? Being forthright? Solving problems in a sane way?
- Or groom them to be easy pickings for abusive partners down the road because they learned how to be "avoidy let it slideys" or "put up with things silently and disregard my own well being" types?
I know that can sound harsh, and I do not intend for it too. But this is IMPORTANT. It may not feel URGENT because they are so small, but it is important to the children's future adult well being to have good interpersonal skills and learn them at home so they do not suffer these kinds of things that you have had to suffer before you learned your skills.
I've been dealing with 2 women friends who left abusive husbands -- both of them did not have the skills to spot them for creepies til it was much too late. Then it became all the harder to leave safely and without retaliation from the abuser -- domestic violence, death threats and murder is sadly not unheard of when leaving. The leaving time is a dangerous time. The best is to be able to spot the creepier and NOT get mixed up with them to begin with. Do not groom the children to be easy pickings later, I urge you.
Balance trust with caution.
You sound like you want to be free of this marriage - so love her and end it and keep on loving her as your friend and ex wife. Perhaps godparent to the kids. Sometimes the most loving thing one can do is to be FIRM of purpose. Give the gift of a hard limit. This is DONE. Time to move on to a new shape.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one. Love hard. Play well.