As far as today's session...the only thing I can say is, "Good grief." We're going to become regulars. (Si didn't show up, but it was still eventful.)
I don't know whether to laugh or cry to maintain sanity. I'll start with the positives.
- Stronger and more efficient communication is an absolute must. The most important thing ever. Somewhere along this path, he and I lost some of it. I used to be so in tune with him and what he was feeling. I could tell what he was thinking by looking at him. We have to get it back. I'm a pretty good listener, but I don't think I was hearing Matt. Obviously, my relationship with Si has been hurting him deeply. That was news to me. Perhaps Matt tried to express that, and I guess in a selfish moment, I tuned it out or downplayed it.
- I have to accept that he is mono, and he did have to make a sacrifice when agreeing to this. I also have to accept the fact that it was and possibly still is a struggle for him to fully embrace it. We have to do things to make each other feel loved and special. If my relationship with Si continues, I have to show him why I married him and what sets him apart from the rest and even Si.
- In accepting the above, I also have to accept that he has changed and grown as a person. It's not criminal that he outgrew my lifestyle and desires something different. Change is inevitable and part of how we grow to be the people that we are today.
- Needs have to be addressed and outlined. If there are any missing, we need to be proactive and getting them back on track, so that one person's needs don't overshadow the whole image. One of his is the need for her not to be around. Right now, it's ever. Work in progress.
- We have to figure out which relationships are worth saving or ending. Obviously theirs is shot, but there's still a foundation of friendship, so there's a glimpse of hope. I can tell you right now. My marriage isn't ending. It's not to say that it's more important than my relationship with Si, but right now, we have to work on our marriage. Naturally, I have to work on my relationship with her. Matt--if he desires--has to work on their friendship and get back to a level of being civil at minimum. I'm of the belief that you have to put your marriage before children and such, so it's taking precedence for the time being. Our marriage is worth saving, so energy has to be put towards that. I'm guilty of neglect and maybe complacency. I can't change the past, but we are in control of what happens from here on out.
Now for the not so lovely side. Matt's true feelings were revealed, and boy, I tell you. They are something serious. The good news is he was calmer during the session but adamant and clear.
In a brief synopsis. He's hurting big time. He feels guilty about nearly hating my relationship with Si. It's not jealousy. It just reached a point where he couldn't contain those feelings any longer. They were showing in other ways. Excluding her? A way to make her feel a fraction of the pain he's been dealing with. Everything reached a point where it was bothering him so bad that he just exploded. When asked how he really feels about me being poly? It was an eye opener. In short, he doesn't feel like he's enough for me. He knows and gets this is what I believe in, but it doesn't ease the pain of the realization that when he looks at Si, she's getting half of him, which is me. He calls me his other half. He admitted to having a lot of resentment.
Yes, our lives are crazy. Money doesn't buy happiness. Actually, I'm cheap as hell. Our lives are just this crazy now because where we live, you have to have 50 CME credits per year, to keep the licenses active. Other than that, we travel leisurely, but right now, these conferences are needed. They had been scheduled long before the triad had formed and before the issues arose. We wanted to knock them out within the first part of the year. Matt and I are working to rearrange some things, so that we can continue with our sessions.
We decided not to put the kids in daycare because as their pediatrician said, "Daycare facilities are cesspools of germs." Granted, when they left, they'd be like little troopers with strong immune systems. I know what dwells within daycares, and we had no desire to be visiting a pediatrician once or twice a week behind upper respiratory issues and other illnesses. That's how a nanny came into the picture. Not the original plan, but after hearing that, it was like, "Umm OK. We'll keep them at home for awhile."
Si, didn't show up, which I get. Matt telling her that she wasn't part of our family probably cut deep. If you had been there all these years and then for someone to tell you that...it's probably too soon to be around them. I'm not even mad. A little disappointed, but we're human. Sometimes you have to step back and collect your thoughts. I respect her need for space. We're having dinner tonight and scheduled to attend a session without Matt on Friday. I'm not pushing the joint sessions. That's a fire hazard right now.
We're not taking it week by week or even day by day. It's more like hour by hour. We're going to get there some kind of way. I have faith, and I'm being positive. We can do this.