I really wanted to run something past you all in the hope that you could give me your opinions, advice, or criticisms! And also for me to just get things off of my chest a little.
I hope you feel better for getting that all out there.
My opinion or comment is mostly in the land of "Why the unwilling to be honest about the growing feelings for Alex? Why enter into breaking promises to spouse? Could knowing any of that help in moving it forward to a healthy space? What do you even WANT for yourself and your next healthy space?"
At this point in time, what are YOUR wants, needs, and limits?
I assume you would like her to at least own up to the lying /cheating approach to this and dinging your trust? And make some trust repair?
Are you wanting to stay together or is this irreparable?
An apology if he was aware he was enabling her to cheat? (If she lied to him to... what then?)
What you you want from yourself in this situation? To feel what? How does the behavior you choose help you create and feel those emotions that you want to feel?
I see that you could have some work ahead there in filling out the rest of your wants, needs, and limits so you can begin to articulate them to yourself.
Gotta do that before trying to articulate what your needs might be to others. :/