Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Oh, dear. I was hoping that would not happen in that fashion.
It is painful to watch the people you love do this. I guess there was just too much bottled up inside -- could tend to each other better in future to steam valve along the way when it is small and doable and not risk blowing a gasket again.
Could agree to stick to a better conflict resolution method than yelling and screaming at each other help in the next round perhaps?
Framing requests in non-violent manner so it keeps it on task toward finidng solutions rather than assigning blame?
Maybe even write out the talking points to stay on track and not derail into name calling, venom spewing, etc. Sometimes knowing your turn is coming on the agenda can help keep things cooler. So could create an agenda. You have family business here. Run the family meeting respectfully and like serious business then.
Maybe that is ALL the first session could be. Not even get into the meat of conflcit resolution just yet. But just acknowledge that the previous attempt was just not cool, digest those links together, form an agenda for the next session, and call it a day and get a pizza.
And if people emotionally flood,
even in a "planning meeting only" agree to take a "time out" to gather selves back together?
Even if it got ugly, I hope letting it out was cathartic. I hope they can apologize -- all of you apologize to all of you. Many balls got dropped and all were responsible for both the original source(s) of discomfort that then led up to this latest situation. All were involved in the situation making -- ykwim?
Perhaps this older post c
ould comfort you as the hinge person. That was a triad who had a big elephant thing to work out and though it was rough, they did in the end.
I wouldn't let it go longer than 1 hour. Could all agree to that time limit and set a timer. Could stick to those 3 goals too:
- All apologize to all
- digest links
- make agenda for next time
- Go cool off again
Then all can walk away from it feeling like "Alright. That was a lot better than last time. Alright. We're moving it forward
in baby steps. I can feel better about it. We are not DONE but the elephant? It's starting to break down. We can do this."
If you need to retain a counselor to help guide you through this rough patch, do! Needing extra support is nothing shameful.
Hang in there.
I had prayed that it wouldn't happen like this. It started, "As much as I care for you and cherished the time we spent together, I know for certain that staying in this relationship is presumably not the best option..." That was fine. If you know it's not working, free her, and we can transition back to a V.
It took a turn for the worse within minutes. Unfortunately, that turn was on an icy road on the side of a mountain with a steep edge. Matt said, "I hope this doesn't offend you, and that you don't take this the wrong way. I apologize in advance if it does..." He went on to say that he isn't exactly a fan of being part of a poly family, not particularly enthused that she and I are together, and some other things. The words were carefully chosen, and it was painful to watch. Those are his feelings, and I guess they had to come out.
I can tell you now. No apologies will be issued anytime soon or ever. Two stubborn people who are set in their ways. The ones that have been issued as of this moment were were laced with gasoline with a match in hand. E.g. "I'm sorry...sorry, that you're not welcome in our home anymore." We got into a tiff because of that. So it's safe to say their issues are causing problems between us as well. What a beautiful welcome home, huh? Not.
I do like your suggestions as far as therapy agenda. It might be "family" business, but one member has made it crystal clear that she's not part of any family of his. I will be seeking an outside therapist because it's hard being the hinge and trying to be neutral.
Our session starts in about 45 minutes. I can't even say for certain that they'll both show up. I hope so. *fingers crossed*