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Old 01-06-2010, 07:51 PM
wolfnrose wolfnrose is offline
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: East of Rochester, NY
Posts: 8
Default Agreed...

Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post
Jessie, if your needs are going unfulfilled while his needs are all taken care of and we're getting on to the "wants" part of the list, you're not the selfish one in the equation.
Although I've encounterred this slightly more with "poly" men not wanting other men in the mix than I have with poly women not wanting other women, both DO happen enough that I wouldn't hang it on the gender specifically... it's not THAT unbalanced statistically.

Most poly men who don't "allow" their mate to date other men don't generally strike me as "actually" poly for many other reasons... they may be "sanctioned cheaters" or "looking to trade up" or many other things, but are generally not very loving (IN MY OPINION) of their primary mate even before the second person shows up. And then there are some are polygynous (NOT polyamorous) for religious or other reasons, whereby "fairness" doesn't even enter their equations.

So, you asked "is this common?" -- I'd say it happens, but not neccessarily common beyond insecurity issues that may manifest as having a hard time "letting" your mate date others (and as some already pointed out, if that's all it is, you have to acknowledge your mate let YOU date others, schmuckus!).

In all of this, I'd also interject that oftentimes, not all mates WANT to date anyone else. My girls are always "allowed" but seldom "choose to" unless I'm not living up to MY end of the relationship. And in that case, I work on the primary relationship harder, so as to obtain that permission once more. While I'm NEVER perfect, it's understandably a LOT easier to deal with my being poly IF my girl can say she wants for little AND I still have plenty of love left to give to others. My goal is that, other than the inevitable splitting of time, my 2nd relationship shouldn't decrease ANYTHING in my first.

I think I've mentioned elsewhere that I tend to date mono women just because the people with the level of commitment I seek happen to often be mono themselves, and I don't pre-select for only poly women. That said, I have had plenty of poly girlfriends dating other guys (usually with me as HER secondary), and some of my "mostly mono" mates have ventured into dating others with my blessings (and cautions). I don't want a veto, but do expect them to listen to my caution before plowing forward, just as I do of their warnings about my latest interest.

My rule of thumb isn't for either partner to "allow" or "veto", but for ALL partners to constantly revisit the question TOGETHER of whether the setup is good for each individual, then each couple, and finally for all... Often the imbalances revealed are their own answers more than who was letting who do what... Sometimes there are problems revealed that, working together, can be easily solved... and sometimes there are problems all pointing back to one person, and they need to be wished well and sent on their way by the remaining partners... but partners deciding for other partners what is "allowed," as you asked? That doesn't seem a healthy framework to work within, regardless of the actual outcomes...
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