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Old 03-06-2013, 07:58 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Quote:
My communication skills aren't lacking or unclear. If she's there, an invitation is extended. Not ever at my insistence. On my end, it's because of my wife wanting her around. She's there. We're cooking, and it's would you like to stay for dinner? Not one that has to be accepted every time.
If you do not want to risk her staying? Do not invite. Simple. Or if you know she stays each time she is asked, ask less often. Could be more assertive in your communication so you are meeting your own needs first. Rather than expecting others to mind reader them from information you provide that is actually... not accurate.

Quote:
It's like when someone says, "Hey. If there's anything you need, let me know." Do people mean it every time they say it.
I do. I am also not vague. I am clear. "Hey, if there's something I could do for you let me know... I'm good for making a casserole, a chat on the phone, taking you out to lunch to air out... stuff in that arena." I do not want them to ask me something bigger like "come take my kids for a month or come clean out my garage" or something.

I do not offer unless I am prepared for the other person to take me up on the offer. Otherwise I put myself in a position of having to go "well... I offered but did not mean it really." I'm also prepared to go "Ok. I'm willing... but that's a bigger job than I can do. How about a smaller job? Maybe like... lasagna? I make great lasagna!"

If you do not want to be doing for others -- don't offer and create an expectation there. Just a whole lot easier to say something else.

In your case rather than "want to stay to dinner? But after that we kinda need alone time" is clearer. Or even don't bother with dinner -- "Thanks for the visit! We'll see you again next time!" is much clearer and still polite if you are done and want the guests to shoo.

Quote:
As of this moment, she isn't aware that I don't want to be part of a poly family and that if I had my say, she would be cut out of our family and just a friend. My wife knows, but it isn't her place to convey what I feel and think. That's my job. That's not my place or right to say who she can and can't be with or to change her lifestyle, but I'm going to tell her girlfriend. If we're going to open up the box and be honest, that has to be said.
You did have your say didn't you? When you entered into polyshipping with wife? You have your say now. In your choosing to stay-ness.

Does it need to be said at this time?

You are going to break up with her yourself. You are cutting her out of YOUR romance life. Making her "just a friend" already to you.

You do not want a divorce and you seem to accept it is not your place or right to say who wife can and can't be with or to change her lifestyle. That's the price of admission right now to be with the wife. Be willing to pay it. If not, why be here?

Since the GF will be still around as your metamour, how does it make life easier for YOU in metamourship if you share the bold above at this time? Is that more for "getting even" than anything else right now? Aren't you already achieving your needs with breaking up with her and re-establishing home boundaries?

Tread with caution when upset/in a temper.

What you do to the GF you do to your wife. You wife is now a package deal. I know you are not crazy about the unbalanced dynamic here, but could take steps to correct that first, could take time to see if the solution is working or not first. Could not spend time looking at the past -- it is PAST. You may wish it were back the old way but it is NOT that way today. Deal with what IS here rather than spend too much energy what iffing and creating upset in yourself.

Could check out pitfall #8. Could choose to be generous to your wife because you accept the price of admission here is this -- being in a polyship. Perhaps reviewing that all three together would help highlight to GF her responsibilities in this too -- she too could be generous of wife's time WITH YOU ALONE.

WHAT you say is only part of communication. HOW and WHEN you say it plays into it too -- how well your message will be received.

Hope the talk is productive. Hang in there!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-06-2013 at 08:31 PM.
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