Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Are you depressed? Is there emotional distance?
Yes, I think so.
Vix and I had further discussions of this, and it came around in the end to my own despondency. I've been depressed and anxious at least since August, and more and more withdrawn into myself.
Stepping out of that, into the clear light of day, I can see there's still much substance, much that is good, in my relationship with Vix, for all that I struggle to adjust to everything that has changed about it.
We laugh about lowering expectations in part because it's an exaggeration. It may be our prior expectations of one another were unreasonably high, based more on wishful thinking or simple lack of conscious reflection than anything else. Lowering those expectations is likely to be good and healthy, up to a point.
This latest round, the gulf that seems to have opened between us on the question of our responsibilities to our daughters, came as an especially profound shock to me . . . but maybe just because I was already so sunk in despondency.
(I did make Vix laugh by quoting something from Douglas Adams, after observing that I seem to have dug myself into a hole: "Oh, dear. You seem to have fallen down a thirty-foot well. Are you all right?")
We have resolved to keep working on our relationship, and to puzzling over polyamory and its implications.
I have to say it really is a matter of adjusting my own expectations, and that the adjustment is generally downward. I can't keep having expectations of Vix that would bind her to a way of living that was stifling her, literally and figuratively.
It does mean I will have less of her time and attention, and that I will have to take on more responsibility for my own understanding of what it means to be a responsible parent.
At the moment, it also seems to mean I'll be spending more time alone, when Vix is away. My doubts about my own capacity to be polyamorous are deepening by the day. Whether that's just despondency, or my own inability to connect with people, or just an accident of my circumstances, I don't know. That's a matter for another thread, though - "Theory, Practice."
I just have to figure out how not to be depressed and anxious about all of it.