Originally Posted by pandaramone
I understand that he still has to take care of his other girls, but growing up with the mind set that I did, it is really hard for me.
Or, rather, he chooses to spend time with them, too.
Is there anyone else out there in a similar situation who feels the same way? Or knows how to deal with it? Or anyone who has been there and dealt with this?
I suppose I'm in a similar situation....maybe? I am quite capable of falling in love with, or having crushes on, multiple men. But I don't identify as poly because I don't aspire to that form of relationship. Hence, I am a mono? dating a poly, married man.
I don't feel the same way, and I'll throw out the reasons I don't, in case they're of any use to you. Some will apply, some won't.
- I have a very strong sense of self, who I am, and my purpose in life--and none of it revolves around having a man in general or BF in particular.
- I have a busy life apart from him--children, jobs, outside interests. In fact, the reason this suits me is exactly because I don't have time to be his everything.
- I like my time and space. I LOVE it, in fact.
- After an alcoholic father and a lying cheating husband (cue the country song, please), I'm VERY happy by myself for the time being. I have no desire to get married again, at the moment. (Whether I will someday, I don't know.)
- I went into this with eyes wide open knowing he'd be seeing his wife and other women (actually, after a few months, he stopped seeing anyone but me and his wife.)
- I went into it knowing and accepting the limitations.
- I have no desire to get married again. Did I already say that? It's worth repeating. I don't want the happily ever after out of a relationship. You do.
- I'm very rational, sensible, and good at controlling my emotions. I simply refuse to fall in love with someone who is not available for the kind of relationship I would eventually want. I like him, I enjoy our time, I care for him. But fall in love and moon over someone who's not available that way? No. If he wants that from me someday, he has to have more to offer me. I would say he's head over heels in love with me, but he is quite happy with his life as it's arranged now.
Some of these things are things you might consider--do you have a strong sense of self and your purpose in life, what you want out of life? If not, think about those things. You'll find yourself and your relationships changing.
Some of these things won't really apply to you because you simply WANT different things than I want. But this is worth thinking about, because your boyfriend at the moment can't or won't provide what you want. No criticism of him, no fault in what you want--you two simply are not a match right now. It's wise to see this head-on, clearly. As Gala says, you may need to quit trying to force your square peg into a round hole.
I just want to be able to sleep at night again. I'm tired of crying and feeling inadequate. I know the fault lays with me and my mind set, my boyfriend has been the most wonderful, understanding, loving and patient person. I just want to be the same for him, but I also want to be better, for the both of us.
No, the fault does not lie entirely with you. You are perfectly justified in wanting a traditional, monogamous relationship. It may simply be that you two are not a match. If it's making you this unhappy, I really think you should reconsider trying to force yourself to be someone you apparently are not.