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Old 01-06-2010, 06:31 PM
wolfnrose wolfnrose is offline
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: East of Rochester, NY
Posts: 8

I hope this doesn't seem as harsh as it COULD seem, but in response to "What if he leaves me in favor of her?":

1) If that's a (significant) concern of yours, perhaps now is not the time to add anyone -- Ideally, you should feel nice and secure that there's really very little chance of him finding anyone "better" -- and that HE KNOWS IT. Chances are both are true, and you just need a bit more reassurance which he's happy to give. I think a lot of people "front" pretending they are strong and don't need extra attention sometimes -- why do that? You only get what you need if you ask for it, and being able to give it to you only makes your relationship stronger.

2) If he's poly, remember that he wants you BOTH. It's non-sequitor that, given a choice, he'd give you up even if he DID like the other person "better." And again, why would you think he likes the other better than the one he's already chosen to "set stakes with"? There is a mono-brain fear that partners are "really secretly" looking to trade up instead of add-on... but knowing a lot of polys as well as myself, that's TOTALLY against how the poly brain works. Maybe poly is a little selfish for wanting so much love, but it's not cavalier with what IS "good love"...

3) In the event he CAN give you up, he's a) certainly not poly, but instead a dissatisfied mono and b) MIGHT be better suited to this other person if you really truly don't satisfy him. And YOU shouldn't waste your time with someone who only wants one mate if it's not you. Sorry again if this sounds harsh, but I speak from experience of being not sincerely wanted in a relationship. "Better to have loved and lost than live with a psycho all your life"... same goes for heartless people.

3) How the heck would he measure "better" anyway? I can't really compare "who I love more" type stuff so much as "this is the one I'm living with/having kids with/planning this part of my life with" and "those things aren't on the table with this second person, but I plan to do ____ with them instead of my first love."... but I don't love one "more" than the other so much as planning different sectors of my life with one or the other -- and even if one mate has a longer history, so what, really? If someone stays with you ONLY because you're first, that's SAD...

OK, I've rambled enough... hopefully something in here was useful for thought and CONVERSATION with your mate...
Founder, Rochester Polyamory Dinner Group (C)2003

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