Despite the fact that closed sometimes meant deception, suspicion, anxiety, lies and cheating, we somehow tell ourselves it's better when what we don't know doesn't hurt us.
Closed can be fine. Been open, been closed. So I'll just state that to me it is LACK OF TRUTHINESS that leads to deception, susupicion, anxiety, lies, and cheating. One can break agreements while polyshipping too. *shrug* It isn't like "Open" automatically means "truthful and trustworthy" partner.
But I am glad to hear you are doing better day by day. Hang in there. The stages of grief take a while to get through.
There are times where I outsource some of my processing with close friends and bring DH the "cliff notes version." I totally get that you don't want to lay this all on your partner at that loud a volume.
If you plan to spread the load around and garner support elsewhere you could let her know it isn't from lack of trust in her but just that many hands make lighter work all around.