Sora, thanks so much for the props and kind words! It really is a day to day journey. It's surprised me just how much different I feel day to day. One day I'll be elated, riding high, just happy to be here. The next day I'm a basket case, unable to even get distracted from the overwhelmed feeling...
I have stayed educated as much as possible, though your link, Soramama, was new to me. I like the part about visualizing triggers. I was doing that already, and having some success with it.. The problem is STOPPING the visualization! Haha.
E has been great. I'm working on balancing being honest about how I feel and sparing her the feelings that don't require her input, because me being a needy, weepy mess is NOT a turn-on. It's very lonely, though, because I can't share everything with my best friend and get her help, love and support quite as much as I would with, say, a work issue or an issue with another family member. Though I'm sure she would be happy to hold me while I sob like a baby, that wouldn't help anyone and would rob her of her fun. I feel that need less and less.
I think GalaGirl really hit it on the head for me: it's the pain of loss of something real, which was the former 'closed-ness.' Despite the fact that closed sometimes meant deception, suspicion, anxiety, lies and cheating, we somehow tell ourselves it's better when what we don't know doesn't hurt us.
What a profound and sad lie that is, considering the love and friends a person could have. But it obviously takes work, and some pain and anguish. Everyone here says it will pass, and get easier. Fingers crossed.
Ladies, do understand it's very different for a hetero male to know his wife wants to date someone else than it is for a bi female to know her man wants another girl. It's false, and unfair, but it's real. Bear with your men if you're in that position.