I wrote this as part of a new thread, last night, about a boundary dispute I had with Vix:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic
She seems firmly committed to polyamory, and I am riding a pendulum that swings between a principled commitment of de facto monogamy and reluctant resignation to de facto monogamy.
The image of the pendulum really captures what I've been experiencing, lately.
Some days, it seems reasonable and responsible for me to remain de facto monogamous. I wouldn't insist on compulsory monogamy for anyone; I think polyamory may be a fine choice for those who have the capacity for it.
For reasons articulated in this blog thread, I don't think I currently have the capacity for it: I have too much to do, and too little to offer to a relationship with someone else.
On especially good days, I can be more or less contented with such a commitment.
On other days, though, I chafe against de facto monogamy, though I seem powerless to do anything to change my circumstances, or to make anything else possible. I may want to be close to other people, but that has always been difficult for me, even under the best of circumstances.
I just don't relate well to others. I am, as Vix pointed out today, too reluctant to put my trust in other people. I can be awkward, get my signals crossed, miss important cues, one way or the other. It's entirely possible I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum, though I've never been diagnosed as such.
On such days, I'm awash in longing and envy and frustration . . . and resignation.
I'm stuck being who I am, where I am, and I may as well get used to it.