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Old 03-05-2013, 09:27 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Matt View Post
Before anyone says it, yes, I knew my wife was poly in the beginning, but as we all know, people change. What you liked five years ago, may not be what you like today. I think I've just changed. All opinions and advice are welcome and needed. Thanks in advance.

I'm sorry you're hurting and that things haven't been as smooth as you'd hoped.

If I'm interpreting this right, you're saying that you've changed but your wife is basically the same person you married, at least in regards to being polyamorous. This is not a new thing, it's exactly what you signed up for

In that case, you basically have two options. One is you learn to deal with your feelings. The other is you leave. You've indicated that the second option is off the table, so that means learning to deal with your feelings.

The first step in that is communication. You need your wife's support, and she can only provide that if she knows how you're feeling. But make sure you take responsibility for your feelings and own them as your own. There's a huge difference between "I'm feeling like this ___ and I just wanted to keep you in the loop" and "I'm feeling like this ___ and I want you to change your behaviour so I don't feel like that."

Communicate your needs and how she can help you meet them, without any expectation that she will leave her girlfriend. This is primarily about you and your marriage, not so much about the girlfriend. If you need family-time with your wife and children, tell her so.

It's amazing how effective simply getting them out in the open can be. When you keep them to yourself, they tend to spin around and around in your head. Over-analysis makes them seem much worse than they really are. Voicing them makes them real, and making them real allows them to be dealt with.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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