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Old 03-05-2013, 08:05 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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CAKE EXAMPLE:

B could say "I hear your want for cake. I am not willing to meet your cake want at this time. You could go get it at the grocery story or you could bake it. Or there are cookies if you want to change the dessert to something that is to hand."

Why is B afraid of conflict resolution and negotiation from fear of abandonment? Rather than make cake as short term solution, B could work on overcoming fear of abandonment for long term inner peace.

BIKE EXAMPLE:

C could offer compromise of "Let's bike tomorrow" in a polyship if they do not want to bike today with A. There is compromising in polyshipping. Why the belief that there isn't?

Quote:
Basically what I am trying to say is that in a poly relationship the one who needs or wants the other more at a certain time, suffers, because they would have to do things to have the other stay with them (because that's what they want).
If that is why this person entered into polyshipping? They only "agreed" because they were afraid to "lose" the partner? This person is reaping what they have sown. They did not go into it with full willingness, full joy, and entering into something that is good for their mental and emotional health. Buyer beware. They could have been more responsible for their OWN well being.

This person could choose at this point to break up and leave all this crazy making stuff and accept they are just not poly compatible. And go work on themselves.

Or this theoretical person could work on themselves with the goal to be in healthy polyship. Work their own approval and self-validation and do the work required -- not for the partner. But for THEMSELVES because they want to be in healthy polyship FOR THEMSELVES.

When they "give away" self approval and self-validation to the other guy and expect the other guy to dole it out? They want to be approved from EXTERNAL validation sources like other people. So they always fret about the other people "leaving" because that "takes away" their validation source. They will be left floating with no anchor. Scary to feel.

If they learn to approve and validate THEMSELVES, they could become more secure because their "validator" is now an INTERNAL validator and always handy. Whether or not the other person is around. THEY own their internal self-validation -- and can tell themselves any time they need the boost "I am a good person. I am good enough. I am going to be ok. I have dignity, worth and value." and self soothe.

They could choose to not make self-esteem do the work of self-respect. When they do that? They run out of self-esteem real fast and struggle. The solution is to STOP doing less than self-respecting behavior -- like making cake when they do not want to. Like not biking when they do not want to. Why treat themselves as "less than" like their own self wants and needs are not worth considering at all? That leads to poor self esteem. They don't think much of themselves even to meet their own need to rest from cake baking or biking.

When they treat themselves with self-respect, they hold themselves in good esteem and consideration. Then they feel better and their esteem meter increases. They become more secure in themselves.

Quote:
...and not go to other partners because if they happen to have the possibility, why not use it?
Because when A wants to spend time with B, the only person who can deliver "B type company" is B. So A will be with B to enjoy being with B. People are unique and enjoyable how they are. They are not interchangeable or disposable.

People are PEOPLE. Not things like paper towels.

HTH
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-05-2013 at 08:28 PM.
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