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Old 03-05-2013, 07:06 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 659

I quite like to deal with fears by breaking them down as much as possible to make them more manageable. So - if I was scared that I might leave my partner if things got tough and I had other partners, I might concentrate on being sure that I remained there for friends and family when things get tough.

Practise not leaving people until I had lots of experiences to fall back on that would help me to believe for good reason that I was capable of keeping relationships going through tough times even though I had other, easier ones open to me.

Originally Posted by lemondrops View Post
My fear is that in a poly relationship everyone feels like in a competition all the time and all nice acts are not based fully on love but fear. I'll give an example.

When A wants a cake and is at B's place at the time, then B might feel pressured into baking it, because hey, if B said "Oh, I'm not really in the mood for baking right now", then A could be all, "Oh, okay, but I want a cake, so do you want me to go to C's or D's place?" and then to avoid all this, B would just start making the cake out of fear that otherwise someone else would do it and A would just leave.
That sort of thing isn't really a poly issue at all, though. It's about how you choose to allocate your time. If I am with my friend, E, who loves shopping and she suggests we go shopping, I might say "No thanks, I don't fancy shopping just now - I have some writing to get on with anyway."

E might head off shopping with C or with M - that's good for all of us. I get to avoid shopping and E gets some company.

Or I might say to E, "I'm not in the mood for shopping, do you fancy a coffee and a chat instead." E might then join me for a coffee and a chat or she might say that she needs to go shopping and suggest we catch up for coffee and a chat later. Either way things are fine. I either have coffee with E or if she doesn't want to, I might ring P, A or G and see if any of them are free for coffee and a chat.

Or I might decide that although I don't really fancy shopping, I do really want to spend some time with E and I'm not that bothered about what I do so I might say "Grand. I'll come shopping with you - a bit of a wander around and a chat is just what I need." I regularly do this with my friend, E. Not because I'm scared of losing anything if I don't but because I love E - she's very special to me. I know how much she loves shopping and that her spare time is much more limited than mine so I'm happy to spend time doing something that isn't totally my thing so that she can spend her time doing something she likes.

I don't see myself in competition with any of E's other friends even if she does spend time with them that she could spend with me.

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