Gia and I went to the gym together last night and did an excellent yoga class together. At the end, we meditated. I find that when I meditate after physical exertion, my mind is particularly clear. It's a very nice thing generally, but sometimes having a blank mind means things can slip in that you were trying not to think about. I've cried before during post-yoga meditation.
It happened again this time, tears silently slipping down my cheeks. Not a gross, congesting, convulsing crying jag, but a quiet, open, contemplative sort of release. A mourning.
I was thinking about how I used the idea that Gia wasn't very interested in sex as a crutch to make things easier, which was a mistake. And about how I'd done the exact same thing with Eric on an emotional level. I'd told myself he just wasn't wired to love anyone but Gia, and that was why he simply saw me as a friend. Now, with Helen as with Dexter, once again the crutch is being kicked away and I've got to stand on my own two feet.
I wiped my eyes before we sat up, and I don't think Gia saw any tears. But I suddenly frowned as the last of the emotion hit me, and she asked if something was wrong. I said no, but she asked again. "I just have some things on my mind," I told her.
Shortly thereafter, in the sauna, I admitted that it had been hard for me, learning about Eric's feeling for Helen. She told me that he's not sure how he feels, but that he's open to discovering that it's love. I can hardly begrudge him that, I thought to myself. She went on to talk about the gf they'd once mutually dated, Jen, and how she had, without Gia's knowledge, been downright emotionally abusive to him for a time. Had demanded that he dissect his feelings for her, yelled at him when they didn't match her desires, threatened suicide on multiple occasions and left all sorts of scars and sore spots on his heart. I'd known a lot of that, not necessarily all.
I'm not trying to trade one crutch for another, but... well, I can certainly understand why he wouldn't want to develop feelings for his wife's next gf. Maybe it was easier to relax with someone he was seeing independently, someone he'd have more ability to keep at arm's length if need be. Argh, why do I always need to strive to *understand*? Just let it be.
Anyway, it was a good night, all in all. I feel like I'm processing this in a way that makes sense for me. The four of us (G, E, B, and I) hung out together afterwards and had dinner. It didn't hurt to see him or idly chat with him. It's funny how something can hurt and not hurt at the same.
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.