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Old 03-05-2013, 06:06 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Originally Posted by FatMouse View Post
If they genuinely love each other, if everyone's treated equally, I don't care. I'm not that posessive.

However, I don't want a lot of people involved.
I just wanted to point out that your desire not to have a lot of people involved may not be a reasonable one. What if your newer bf comes to want space for another person in his life too? You say he's not the kind who would date anyone but you -- what does that mean? What "kind" is he that's different from the "kind" you are? Sure he may feel that way now, but would you be willing to try to restrict him (which would be way hypocritical) if he felt a different way down the line, if he unexpectedly fell in love with someone else, or if he just wanted more than you were ready/able to give him but didn't see that as a reason to abandon your love?

All of that said, having metamours (people who are dating your partners) does make your life more complicated in one sense, but in another sense it's just the same as having more friends, as long as you get along with them. What is your concern... STDs, conflicting life goals? These things can be managed if all involved are willing to talk things through and be careful. Or is it maybe that on a certain level that you feel that being with multiple people means you love each one less, do you think that poly is somehow wrong and irresponsible and not truly loving? If so, maybe you're dealing with some hidden guilt about your own choices that you need to work through. Just a thought.

I will echo other posters in saying that I think it's ok to ask him to wait. BUT, in return I think it would only be fair for you to actively work to get more comfortable with the idea, so that the wait doesn't turn from "not right now" to "never". Read up on people's stories here, check out the essays at, maybe even find a good book or two on the topic of poly.

I also gotta say, I dont think it's fair to expect that your guys should have to come to poly the same way you did -- i.e. with a love too big to ignore -- in order for it to be valid. Not everyone works that way, some people fall in love slowly, through dating casually at first. Just because they might work differently than you, does that mean your way is right and their way is wrong? In the end, what does it really matter if the result is the same? Yes, the thought may make you uncomfortable, but I would suggest that you work on that discomfort and pick it apart, see if it really makes any sense, rather than building walls and rules to enshrine it.

Best of luck!
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 03-05-2013 at 06:08 PM.
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